As a mom of 18 & 20 year olds: save while your kids are young, then at graduation, buy yourself a new car & send them to community college.
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bartender asked if i wanted another beer & i said “no thank you, i have to pee soon & don’t like leaving an open beer” so one of the guys said “ain’t nobody gonna drink your beer”
…do men think the reason we don’t leave our drinks unattended is because someone will drink it??
[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]
Bedtime.
[briefing]
CIA DIRECTOR: We have a leak…
CIA PLUMBER: (slowly stands up)
CIA DIRECTOR: In our operation.
CP: (slowly sits back down)
PRIEST: *cry laughing
ME: I told you I was funny when I was drunk
MY FIANCÉ: Yeah…hi
Stealing being illegal is why I can’t have nice things.
Oh sure, the continents get to drift forever and it’s “a natural geologic process” but when I do it I’m “wasting my potential.”
COW: I’m constipated
DR DOG: when was ur last bowel moooo-vement lol
C: ur doing puns right now?
DD: gonna milk this for all its worth lmao
WIFE: Stop taking things the wrong way.
ME: [swallows suppository]
My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them
Give a toddler a crayon and he will eat that crayon. Teach him how to color and he will eat more crayons.
You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.
Can you cross-breed tropical birds? I want to try, but I’ve got nothing toucan-parrot-too.
My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.
*after several minutes of searching, the genealogist looks up at me*
it seems that you come from a long line of people who have gotten tragically lost in corn mazes
[gets exhausted after having sex for five minutes] “Go on without me”
I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you
“a perfectly placed emoji is better than good punctuation.. ”
said No Teacher ever
Him: When was the last time a man held a car door open for you?
“When I was arrested” is not the best answer, apparently
Me: Being a stay-at-home parent is so filling!
Her: You mean fulfilling, right
Me: (stuffing my face with goldfish crackers) No.
Autocorrect changed “Put Bacitracin on it” to “Put bacon on it”.
Fine, we’ll try that.
ME: Okay, going out of town for 4 days, so I need 4 days of clothes.
MY BRAIN: Cool, cool cool cool… What if you actually need every shirt you’ve ever owned tho?
Spy movies are unrealistic because no one could keep a secret for that long. The moment I got CIA clearance I would text my best friend like “ok so you can’t tell anyone this”
wife: know what today is?
me: yep
wife: on 2
together: 1, 2
wife: Happy Anniver..
me: 3 MONTHS UNTIL..
wife:..sary
me:
wife:
me: ..Santa
Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything
[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG
In the summer there’s only so many clothes you can take off. On that note, please send bail money.
*pats belly*
Stranger: Awww do you know what it is?
Me: Yes. Nachos.
Gonna swing by church later and see if anybody gave up anything I want.
“you changed” bro i was 15
Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.