As a parent, I spend far too much time identifying what’s stuck to the ceiling.
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beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”
[Installing ceiling fan]
Me: drill…screwdriver… tape…there finished!Wife on the phone: Is this Bob’s fix-it shop? Yeah, he just got done.
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
Kid: *spills cereal all over the floor*
My husband: Can you grab the vacuum cleaner?
Me: Sure *whistles for the dog*
Y’all ready for this
MATH PROBLEM: If you give half of your apple to a friend, what do you have?
ME (through tears): A…a friend
WEBMD: Enter symptoms
Me: cold chills, squishy brain, stinging skin
WEBMD: You are a jellyfish
eclipses are always a great opportunity to convince your young child that you have god-like supernatural powers and should never be crossed. oh you want me to bring the sun back? go pick up your toys
Women are like ripe peaches, they don’t keep as well in the refrigerator after they’ve been cut in half.
Brother?
Not to get too technical, but chemistry says alcohol IS a solution. So I win.
WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by*
Me: What are you doing?
Wife: One of those online trivia things…tells you what Disney Princess you are.
Me: I’ll save you the trouble…You’re whichever one is Frozen.
Wife:
My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.
Panda express…🐶🐾🐼💨😅
[first day as a dentist] *encounters tongue* huh. this isn’t teeth
I guess all my problems started when my buddy broke his arm over the weekend but Monday there wasn’t any space left for me to sign it
Kids are hard to predict; and living in 2021 with two young kids who sing along to “Who Let the Dogs Out” was not what I expected.
I’m so unpopular at school they call me “Batteries”.
I’m never included in anything.
I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me
date: i love mussels
me: i hate working out
date: i mean from the sea
me: i’m sorry i can’t be aquaman
The Bachelorette… but for cats.
I’ve licked my tip many times and sometimes it leaves a blue, red and sometimes green mark on my tongue, I mean we’ve all had those multicoloured pens before……
one time while we were eating dinner my uncle suddenly ran into our house & told us that he just ate a whole apple pie & needed to hide out for a few hours. a few minutes later a bunch of cop cars raced by
I love when the GrubHub delivery drivers try to look sexy in their profile pics… Like, I don’t know what you think is going to happen, but I’ll be honest, I want my pizza far more than I’ll ever want you.
This is the dumbest apocalypse ever
You’re 15 and miss the 90’s? Yeah, I’m sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt.
Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.
Kid 1: Hurt my elbow
School Nurse: Here’s an ice packK2: *fever*
SN: Ice packK3: *diarrhea*
SN: Ice packK4: *decapitated*
SN: Ice pack
a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back