As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.
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I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?
Jacob Marley: Tonight you’ll be visited by 2 ghosts.
Scrooge: I thought it was 3.
Jacob Marley: Lol no it’s 2017 there is no future.
I wish airlines would stop apologizing for being delayed. I’m an adult, I know you don’t give a shit. I’d rather read “ehh some shit happened, it’s gonna be late”
My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.
There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life’s face to find she has deflated in the night.
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.
Are there Jewish exorcisms? Where the demon comes out, and just tells you to call your mother?
Me: it’s cold and wet.
Wipers: want me to smear the rain all over so you can’t see?
Me: n-no.
Defroster: I’ll fog every window in this car.
Me: why?
Windshield: here’s a small spot above the steering wheel to look through.
Me:
Windshield: I’m gonna need you to hunch over.
{Reaching adulthood}
ME: Oh, good, turns out no one knows what they’re doing.{2 minutes later}
ME: Oh, wait, seriously?? NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY’RE DOING??
[invasion]
*aircrafts dropping from the sky
*explosions everywhere
*mass hysteria
Me scrolling phone: Where was that alien invader gif?
My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.Well played brother, well played
[Cop flashes headlights behind me]
WIFE: I think he wants you to stop
ME: No I think he wants a street race
[A few minutes later]
ME: *taking a corner at 90mph* Guess I was right again, huh Linda
I keep hearing that my picky eater will eventually grow out of this phase but my husband is 43 now and I’m starting to lose hope
You’re not respected until you’ve been led away from a buffet by police.
Welcome to your 40’s. You appreciate handrails now.
Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority
My kid: My mom drinks all day. She keeps filling up her special cup so she can drink all day. Sometimes she even puts this special powder in her drink too.
Me: IT’S WATER. I DRINK WATER ALL DAY WITH LEMONADE POWDER BECAUSE THE CITRIC ACID KEEPS MY KIDNEY STONES AWAY FFS!!
Me recordaron éste meme
Me: my imposter syndrome is pretty bad. I feel like I don’t deserve to be here, I’m not good enough
Satan: what
I love you, let me stand on your larynx.
– cats
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.
The next person who says I’m using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves
me: [robbing a bank] ok everybody hands in the air
everyone: [puts hands up]
me: [already mad with power] one hop this time
I don’t like camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
THERAPIST: Anyways—
ME: “Anyways” isn’t a word. You mean “anyway”
THERAPIST: ANYWAY, we were talking about your difficulty making friends
I just found out that all the different colors in Fruit Loops are the same flavor, and now I don’t know what’s real anymore
My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”
[my wife wants an expensive audi]
ME: instead of buying 1 car for $60k we could buy 2 cars for $30k each
HER: *rolls eyes* oh sure, then why not 3 cars for $20k each?
ME: great point, could even do 4 cars for $15k each
[an hour later]
ME: how about 60,000 cars for $1 each