As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.
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I enjoy how fitbit tracks the calories I burn just by being alive. I like getting credit for that.
“I think we should-”
Kiss under the moonlight? omg we finish each other’s sentences!
Hairdresser: was gonna say trim the sides a bit shorter
😂😂😂😂😆😆😆🤗🤗😂😂
Her: Remind me if I’m ever on life support, not to have you in charge of pulling the plug.
Me: Yea, like I could get in front of that line.
I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.
Me: I’m a little self conscious with the lights on. Mind turning them out?
Doctor: Just turn your head and cough.
Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.
It’s National Compliment Day.
So here goes.*clears throat
Some of you are not so bad.
“I’ll never forget you!” I yelled to what’s his name.
Trying to keep the riff raff away.
Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time
Me: Why can’t we feed the animals?
Wife: They’ll get lazy and dependent and never, ever go away.
Me: *looks warily at our kids*
Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.
Me: would you trade me for a younger woman?
H: oh honey age doesn’t matter! I’d trade for someone who doesn’t talk through the game.
“Don’t you dare. Don’t you lick it. Don’t! Do not lick the butter,” I yell threateningly at the cat.
me: I miss handshakes
cannibal: have mine I’m not thirsty
me: hang on, I’m just gonna jump in the shower
me, in shower: *jumping*
If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they’d lose the alarm and just announce that there’s free food by the stairs.
A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
some people recharge in nature. some people recharge at the olive garden.
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not exhausted that’s just your face now.
I liked Metamucil better back when it was called Facebookmucil.
“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden
My coworker replaced her chair with an exercise ball to “work her core.”
I’m eating a giant chocolate chip cookie for breakfast.
I win.
KING: Behind one door waits a viscous tiger; behind the other, a fair lady. Now the prisoner must choose!
ME: Hey, if I open them both, will the tiger just eat the lady?
KING: That’s not… you don’t… c’mon, man.
five mistletoes make up a mistlefoot thank you for your time
2nd Rule of Parent Club:
If your kid suddenly says “I think I’d better wash my hands”, don’t question them. I repeat, DO NOT QUESTION THEM.
My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup
Giving the guy at the park with a machete a wide berth.