The walk from my house to the bar is 5 minutes.. The walk from the bar to my house is 35 minutes…
The difference is Staggering.
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The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.
who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine
[Sesame Street casting]
Director: We need role models for the kids
“There’s a grouch and a cookie addict”
Director: Anything else?
“Two jobless roommates”
Director: First of all I love it
Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier
[driving to a party]
WIFE: please try to spice up your stories a little bit tonight[at the party]
ME: my doctor prescribed me a new blood pressure medicine *glances at wife* so i murdered him
I see you’ve chosen to express your midlife crisis with cologne.
People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots
It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.
Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.
THE INVENTOR OF KUNG FU FIGHTING: what if I told you that you could be fast as lightning and just a little bit frightening
Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….
If dolphins are so smart how come I managed to trick one into investing all its savings in my phoney pyramid scheme?
Adults: Why are you teenagers so depressed and angry?
Teenagers: Well you see, you’re leaving us with a completely unlivable planet, the Amazon and the whole world is on fire, the climate crisis looms over our lives, we’re overworked and–
Adults: ITS THE PHONES
I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.
“i miss shittin on people”
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
Finishing up my time machine. Bolting down the flux capacitor now. I’ll start small and go back a couple of seconds just to see if it works.
Me: check it out, this guy is selling new iPhones for $20
Her: they’re probably phoney
Me: *unvelcro-ing wallet* I hope so, they’re phones
Thursday Thought.
*lowers head
*breaks thru 5 tackles
*hurdles lineman
*runs 100 yards
*hamstrung at goal line
*dragged back to line of scrimmage-my wedding
WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.
ME: {drinking toast} Why?
How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?
I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!
I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.
Police: Pull over and stop!
Me: [on moped]What’s the problem?
Police: You’re not wearing the proper reflective equipment! We’re taking you in!
Me: [wearing reflector vest, blaze orange parachute pants, coal miners hat, Michael Jacksons left glove] I CAN SEE MY HOUSE FROM HERE!
*queen’s gambit*
dad: knight takes queen
daughter: *3D prints new queen*
My son meets his online girlfriend today, so here’s to hoping she’s the anime loving e-girl of his dreams and not some guy named Steve.
I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV