“As CEO of Tortoise Enterprises, this merger with Slug Corp is… Linda, where is everyone?”
“They all called to say they’re running late”
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[at doctor’s office]
Nurse: You may get undressed now.
Me: [rips off tear away pants]
Nurse: Most people wait until I’m out of the room but okay.
*sells my soul*
Devil: I want a refund
My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.
I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.
Me: It’s time for your nap.
6: I don’t wanna take a nap!!
M: First off, don’t talk back to me. Second, I was talking to me.
Started raining WHILE I was in the car wash. Like..
From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.
JUMPER ON BRIDGE: Stay back, I just want to end it all
GOOD COP: Please, you don’t have to do this
CAT COP: *slowly pushes him off bridge*
ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and
I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.
So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??
I saw my ex and her new man at mattress warehouse so being my ever helpful self I told him don’t buy a memory foam, you won’t be around long enough for it to remember you.
When I die I want to come back as a speed bump so I can piss people off
Hate it when I’m minding my own business and an unmarked van pulls up with a shady-looking bear offering cheap farm-fresh honey and next thing I know I’m lying bruised and bloody on the side of the road but I guess that’s what I get for carrying a picnic basket in broad daylight
What is this alien looking thing in a wig trying to sing?
Oh wait thats Nicki Minaj.
Why would an alien in a wig pick Nicki Minaj as a name?
“Password is incorrect”
*resets password*
“New password cannot be the same as the old password”
You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?
I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.
wife: you can’t wear those to a funeral.
me: you’re right…*takes off hulk hands*
wife: that’s better.
me: *puts on formal hulk hands*
I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it’s super relatable
I don’t drink blood to stay young. I do it mainly for the lifestyle.
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no
I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?
“But my doctor said popcorn was healthy,” I say while pouring on a stick of butter.
If you watch the Social Network backwards, it’s about a man gaining more friends and a girlfriend as he spends less time on Facebook.
Wipes away your tears using three precise karate chops.
{4 turtles are stuck on their backs.}
Cop: What’s going on here?
Me: Snow angel contest for free pizza.
Cop: …Who’s winning?
Me: Shredder.
chumbawumba: i get knocked down, but i get up again
jesus: ok yes
You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.