@DadandBuried: As far as I'm concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.
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@djdarrellripley: Her: My father is very upset that I'm your girlfriend. Me: Well, duh, I'm very upset that you're my girlfriend...
@Jacob_Swift16: A cop just told me that i have way too many buddha statues for there to not be drugs in the house
@AndyAsAdjective: Wear green for St Patty's Day! You don't wanna get punched! -You mean pinched [flashback to the 6 people I punched earlier] It's pinched?