@DadandBuried: As far as I'm concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.
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@novicefather: My toddler fell, smashed his face into the cement, then played it off like he was giving the ground a kiss. No DNA test necessary.
@iwearaonesie: wife: You're going to work like that? me: Yeah, it's casual day [20 minutes later] me *calls wife* Can you bring me some pants?
@jake_likes_naps: [gets down on 1 knee] Babe will you-- "Yeah... Here it is" [she lends me her phone charger] Thanks