As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.
You Might Also Like
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
“Damn! If I wasn’t already married, I’d propose to myself,”
I humbly say as I taste test this homemade mac and cheese.
I couldn’t find a bowl so Flora is drinking from a margarita glass
Her: what’s your favorite position
Me: devil’s advocate
Her: i meant sexual position
Me: but what if you didn’t
Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.
[getting caught by a traffic cam] ok now let’s do a silly one
Wife: Can you put the gps on mute, turn off the air conditioner and the music
Also my wife: why are you grumpy on this long drive
Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot
Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me
driving in the car and my girlfriend leaned over and said “where does an owl get dinner? pizza hoot” and then continued on with her business as if nothing had happened
[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd
Alright. It’s Sunday. Another Breaking Bad. Or if you don’t watch the show, an hour of confusing tweets.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m extremely flexible
professor x: [looks at watch] oh shit i have another meeting, can we reschedule?
me: no problem
Do hairy people get bed head all over?
Ma’am, I just called to see if you’re happy with your cell phone provider. But probably they do.
“I’ll be back” –Arnold Schwarzenegger as getting into a 2-person horse costume
Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.
Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?
Me: on the wall!
Hitman: that’s a spider
Me: kill it!
why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas
If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….
Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?
5yo: knock knock
Me:
5: Mom, knock KNOCK
Me:
5: I said KNOCK KNOCK!!
Me: Sorry, you know how I feel about answering the door, buddy.
How can a murderer return to the scene of the crime? I don’t even go to the same McDonald’s too soon after I’ve eaten there.
I left my Kindle on the train. This would have never happened if I was carrying 8 bookshelves full of books with me like in the old days.
It’s ok to laugh during sex…just don’t point.
The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.
Live by one rule: trust no one but yourself. But at the same time, can I borrow your car tomorrow night?
*on death bed*
priest: any regrets my child?
*montage of every time i saw a large dog and didn’t try to ride it*
me: uhhhhh
“and that’s why you should always put your stuff away” I lecture my kid as we search for the missing candy I ate while she was sleeping
87% of parenting is yelling, “DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE,” from a different room.
When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.
I have some bad news. I was experiencing some symptoms and got myself checked. It’s as I feared.
I tested positive for being brown.