@DadandBuried: As far as I'm concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.
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@beefman138: 3 : Daddy, can we watch Frozen? Me : Sorry, darling. We can't watch Frozen in the summer because all the characters will melt.
@WilliamAder: Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants. Me: These are my legs.
@CopBroughtPizza: [galileo's wife walks in] *quickly pointing the telescope from the neighbor's window to the sky* i was just studying the... phases of venus.