As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.
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Son: But I’m not hungry!
Me: I heated that pop tart for 22 seconds! You’re gonna eat!
Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*
[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*
I’d rather lose the Super Bowl than have Gatorade poured on me.
I love traveling with my husband because it gives us an opportunity to bicker in new and exotic locations.
We can probably reopen restaurants right now if we all use feed bags
I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.
Before my daughter went to college I made her watch her birthing video, just to remind her how badly one fun night at a keg party can end.
Nice try, private caller. I don’t answer the phone if I know you either.
Micro-dosing sleep by just closing my eyes for a moment while I’m driving.
…Hey, this road has a lot more fish than usual.
[outside tomb]
John: ok but if we’re being honest Jesus was kind of annoying right?
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John: he’s right behind me isn’t he
me: I need to buy new stamps so I’m not sending out condolence cards with Disney villain stamps on them
friend: no one grieves like Gaston, acts bereaved like Gaston
me: how are you doing this
friend: no one orders ornate funeral wreaths like Gaston
[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read
It’s funny how Gina who cheated on me in 9th grade because I was “too much of a prude” is now a Catholic school teacher.
When I’m drinking I wake up after a party, sore, going “what stupid things did I say?” When I’m not drinking I wake up after a party, sore, knowing exactly what stupid things I said.
The part of my boyfriend is now being played by what appears to be a memory of a time he said brb
Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk
Husband: Why are there two broken condoms on the backseat?
Wife: Please stop calling our kids that.
A: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
B: You mean a choir?
A: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
I either need to win the lottery or get bitten by a vampire and gain the power of the night. But preferably the lottery.
“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.
You couldn’t make The Godfather today. It’s almost midnight, and making films takes ages.
Imagine if your anxiety and your metabolism swapped jobs
Winter. When trees are bare, and you can see into your neighbor’s yard, and omg, that’s Mrs. Hood’s body he’s putting into their fire pit!
coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?
Take caution while searching the annals of history.
The anals of history provide very different results.
Most people who think I’m a nice person have no idea that I’d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
Me: Damn, there is no better feeling than skin on skin
store employee: Sir, you…you know you know you have to buy that pack of chicken now right?
I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They’re in jail.