@LordofScribble: As founder and CEO of YOLO Guaranteed, my first product launch will be fishnet parachutes.
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@thomaswhitehead: London is like the best era of Batman at the moment. Well-orchestrated mild commuter panic and Prince stalking the streets.
@JasonLastname: *approaches drive-thru window on a camel* "Sir, here's your 17 big macs and a large milkshake." May I please have a straw? *camel collapses*
@SondraDeeMe: [train] GUY: Please take my seat. ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you. GUY: How far along are you? ME: 5 stops.
@abysmalkittybee: I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they'll know how much I exaggerate my problems.