*as girl walks in*
98, 99, *grunts* 100
“Wow, push-ups?”
Uhm, no? Just learning to count.
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DISNEY EXEC: So we’re going to remake 101 Dalmatians
ME: *hand shoots up*
EXEC: NOT with velociraptors
ME: *hand drops down*
Note to Self:
‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’
13 Types of Regret You’ll Experience After Clicking on a Link to an Article That Won’t Live Up to its Exaggerated Headline
That was easy.
“I literally can’t even!”
— White girl hanging a picture
Therapist: healing isn’t linear
Me: what if I pay extra?
If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.
” I gotta see this guys best tweet,
I’ll gift him Favstar Pro”.Said no one ever.
a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes
I’m putting on weight for a movie
*eats popcorn in cinema
I love the word placebo, but it lacks something
ME: so what do you do for a living
HER: I work for a moving company
ME: where is it today?
Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.
I’m a people pleaser, unless you don’t like that. Then I’m not.
I have a pair of furry slippers. I call them shoebaccas. My wife says this is why I have no friends.
Boss: we’re going to our cabin on the lake this weekend
Coworker: you guys have a cabin ON the lake?
Boss: Ya?
Coworker: must be wet hahaha
My daughter just described someone as “looking like she was drawn from memory” and I think that’s the best insult I’ve ever heard.
Haters gonna hate. And hater stabbers gonna hater stab.
BUZZ ALDRIN: I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with E.
NEIL ARMSTRONG: Earth?
BUZZ: Nope
*5 minutes silence*
BUZZ: OK, yep.
9-year old: Dad smell this. You licked a puss.
Me: [mutes TV] what
9-year old: it’s so good. Smell it. You licked a puss.
Me: …
9-year old: [hands me a candle jar]
Me. It’s *eucalyptus*
Saw a movie about a bunch of people on a cursed beach. Got old pretty quickly
For sale: baby shoes. Never worn. Nothing sinister! Wrong size. Should’ve measured. First baby. Very excited!!
[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep
I just fell over putting on my underpants. Vengeance most surely will not be mine.
Selfie
So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.
Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye is like Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye.
NO THAT IS OBVIOUSLY NOT WHAT I’M LOOKING FOR GOOGLE
We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them