As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”
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[American TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll have 184 episodes over 8 years and possibly 3 spin-offs.[British TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll run for 63 years. There will be one episode a year. Some years there won’t be any. Alternatively we can do 8 episodes right now then never mention it again.
They say people with pets live longer. Many assume it’s all the love and affection. I think it’s all the bending down to pick stuff up.
I was raised as an only child…. it totally pissed off my siblings
[Googling]
How many calories in a glass of white wine?
*45 minutes later*
[Googling]
How many calories in a bottle of white wine?
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
this kid in kindergarten used to make fun of me all the time, then one day I couldn’t take it anymore so I ate all of his crayons while he was watching. I was so happy when he cried but I kinda regret it cause I ended up losing my teaching job
worst time to be eaten by wolves is obviously the full moon. usually when something bites you, you can at least say “that sucked, but i know what did it. heres the situation.” full moon wolf bite? you’ve gotta be wondering “this could’ve been a guy named derek.” humiliating.
What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.
Dress for the job you want to sleep at
“No pain, no gain!” I scream at myself while bending over to cut my toenails
[Oregon Trail 1852]
Doctor: Any final words?
Man dying of dysentery: *coughing* I just hope that this gruesome experience isn’t made into a game for children to play.
I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.
I saved my Q tip so I could ask my husband if my earwax looked normal when he woke up. This is marriage.
My blood type is coffee.
one taught me love
one taught me patience
and one taught me pain
My 7yr old walked up with a candy wrapper she’d found in the garbage “WHAT is this? Did YOU eat this?” “Yes, I bought it. At the store. With my own money.” I replied, beads of sweat forming on my forehead. I didn’t do anything wrong but oh how I felt like I really, really did.
Wow, pretty rude for people to exist that are younger & hotter than me but OK
I’m not homophobic, I love my house!
Old friend: I barely recognize you.
“That’s the look I was going for. “
Well, I don’t know how my tattoo is gonna look when I’m 60, Carol, but I know you’ll be dead by then so
Naughty at 40 is a hoax
Welcome to age of joint pains and loads of stress
On a girl’s vacation while drunk, we all bought hotdogs and then tried to give someone directions. I gestured so emphatically that I slung the wiener right out of my bun and into the street, and then ate it anyway because a $5 dog is a $5 dog. Follow me for more financial advice
[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.
[the wolf who ate Little Red Riding Hood and her Grandma scrolling twitter] there are two humans inside me lmfao
Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.
(I didn’t say best, I said creative)
*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*
You’re free now
Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.
My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.
Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.