@TheDairylandDon: As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say "just not in my hair"
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@mikefossey: (I get an amber alert for a missing child) OK its my time to shine (I get in my car and back out without looking and instantly hit the kid)
@KizerBillhelm: I just got a Facebook invite to my brother's non-alcoholic Mormon wedding. I dunno which part of that sentence makes me want to cry more.
@novocapulum: Dear America: it's called English for a reason. They invented it. It's not "English" spelling. It's correct spelling... This is a subtweet.
@iscoff: The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations