@TheDairylandDon: As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say "just not in my hair"
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@thatUPSdude: Honey I'm home from Costco. "You didn't buy anything stupid this time?" [looks outside at kayak strapped to roof rack] Define stupid?
@WorIdComedy: mom: why is there a Hispanic man climbing our balcony me: he is my romeo & I am his Juliet mom: (._. ) me: I'm just kidding call the cops
@ValeeGrrl: I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn't bring me one.