@TheDairylandDon: As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say "just not in my hair"
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@iamspacegirl: My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I'm questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
@DurtMcHurtt: "They're like a sponge at this age" I say to the parents of the baby I'm using to scrub dishes with.
@iwearaonesie: cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5 the look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
@NJFreudian: My therapist asked me, "How would leaving twitter make you feel?" I replied by asking him, "How would switching therapists make you feel?"