@TheDairylandDon: As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say "just not in my hair"
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@JermHimselfish: Don't run with scissors because you might accidentally trip, fall and cut the grand opening ribbon of a new museum 2 weeks ahead of schedule
@JermHimselfish: I met Jay-Z in '09 and he said "Meet my fiance, Beyonce" and I was like "That rhymes, you should rap!" and we laughed and he sold me crack.
@TheRolo: [Walking around the office] *Sees nosepicker* *Hears burper* *Smells gas* Boss: What are you doing? Calculating the..."Gross Margin."
@Scott_A_Gilmore: Came home from work early and caught my inflatable girlfriend cheating on me with the beachball.