@TheDairylandDon: As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say "just not in my hair"
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@INDlAN_: If you think it hurts to lose a boyfriend/girlfriend, you've clearly never lost close to 500 GB's worth of data on your hard drive.
@CopBroughtPizza: "even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN'T kill." - my first and last day as a defense attorney
@AmishPornStar1: Best part about marriage? NO MORE CONDOMS!!! Worst part about marriage? No more sex.
@FilthyRichmond: My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches