As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”
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Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.
A cute bank teller told me he wanted to make love to me in the vault. He’s kinky, but at least he’s into safe sex.
Friend: Okay dating is really easy. You just have to act super natural
*later on date*
Me: *napkin on head* ooOOOooOo
I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
They say “pick your battles”, so today Oreos win.
I like how Alexander Graham Bell invented phones, crackers, and ringers.
WIFE: Who was at the door?
ME: More carol singers.
HER: What did they sing?
ME: Silent Night
HER: I hope you didn’t t-
ME: I twerked.
15 just called The Beastie Boys old people music so it looks like we’re gonna be empty nesters a few years ahead of schedule
I’m not a fan of having things on my wrist but I’d definitely get the Apple iCarceration ankle monitor
[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.
20% of being the BBC Wimbledon presenter is telling people what other telly programmes have been cancelled.
landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy
my moms yelling at me bc idk her email password
Gonna name our dog Sock so I can say “Come, Sock” over and over again at the dog park
[hospital burn unit]
doctor: your father will die soon unless one of you can be a tissue donor
me: *pulling used kleenex from my pockets* how many
Friend: Man he drinks like a fish.
Me: [crouched in a tiny pirate castle with a 12 pack] I’m freaking the hell out.
Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use
My CW said not to drink cows’ milk cuz we’re not cows so now I get why she drinks almond milk-she’s nuts.
I have seen lots of recipes for things to make from leftover chocolate from Easter this week. Which leads me to the question: what is leftover chocolate?
Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.
I am upset with my parents for making me exist. u just decided to make a person one day? who’s gonna pay my bills? me? I didn’t ask for this
You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.
just yelled YOU DONT KNOW ME at uplifting bathroom graffiti that read “you are enough”
Birthday at 21: Takes 12 different shots from 12 different bars.
Birthday at 37: Takes two different pain relievers because I literally hurt myself sleeping.
87.5% of marriage is just marriag.
They say a dog park is a great place to meet guys.
I don’t have a dog, but I walk around with a bag full of poop so I don’t look weird.
Criminal Tip:
Buy a gun from a guy off the streets.
As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back.
Free gun.
I am buying these mints because they are more violent than other mints