Me to myself: This is annoying. This conversation is boring. This person is a moron. I hope I’m hiding it well.
Coworker: You said all that out loud.
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i love the term “partner”. are we dating? are we detectives on a case together? are we cowboys? are we cowboy detectives in a relationship? there’s no bad answer
Cats do not subscribe to the laws of physics.
When this is all over, I’m going to miss only waving at neighbours from a distance.
Husband enters vasectomy room
Nurse: You sure about this?
*I enter, wearing xmas leggings & milk stained top*
N: The dr. will be right in
I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried
Today’s lesson:
Tuck your hoodie strings in or back BEFORE you lean over your bowl of soup.
I’m glad Mr Peanut is dead. For years he flaunted his lavish lifestyle while billions of peanuts lived in dirt only to be ground into (admittedly tasty) peanut butter
No. You simply have to put the mall hours on this sign. You simply have to.
WAS SHOOTING HIS MOTHER NOT ENOUGH
No Grandma, a brothel is not a soup kitchen.
For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.
*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*
You’re an open book?
“Throws you into a bonfire.”
My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.
[Running out of gas in the desert]
Me: I guess this is the end. We’ll die of thirst soon.
Co-Worker: This is a Pepsi Truck.
Me: *gazing out over the sand dunes* 3, 4 days tops.
ME: let’s do some lines do you have a dollar bill?
GUY: *pulls out wallet to reveal a badge* bad news buddy
ME: yeah you can’t snort anything with that
I’ll call it a smartphone the day I yell “where’s my smartphone?” And it yells
” Down here in the couch cushions”
So the US is to send 3000 troops to help combat ebola.
Does anyone else get the feeling they don’t know what ebola is?
Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.
The twin sisters that live next door to me, shower is broke so they’re using mine. So, you know what that means…
More hair in my drain.
My wife spent two weeks deciding what color to paint the bathroom. I got a cat on my 9th birthday and named it Cat.
Never trust a woman sucking a candycane into a sword.
Secret Santa is very disappointing if you’re self-employed.
Me: you are my queen.
Her: awwww thanks 😍
Me *rolling out guillotine* and monarchy is an abomination.
My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.
Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.
My husband asked me yesterday what I would do with my time if money was no object, and apparently “buy out a Target and sit on top of my hoard like a manic-depressive dragon” was an incorrect response so idk.
Yog see woman
Yog ask woman out
Yog go on date
Yog fall in love
Yog act like an idiot
Yog get dumped
Yoghurt.
Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.
Mum to child: Have you got a sticker we could use?
Child produces 6 billion.