As I exposed my glorious chest hairs & catapulted toward the Velcro wall, I realized that I had no exit strategy.
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girls on tinder will say “your parents will love me but your neighbors won’t” like what are you gonna do? start mowing at 7am on a saturday??
Pffft. Call me when you can cut the sexual tension with a spoon.
my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’
When I snag the last meatball.
A 32-year-old man was arrested in England after allegedly stealing a semi-truck that contained 200,000 Cadbury Creme Eggs, police said.
Me: Sex?
Wife: Sure.
Me: Really? Just like that?
Wife: Yep.
Me: …never mind.
I don’t know what she’s up to, but I don’t like it.
Therapist: Talk about your friends.
Me: Now John at the bar is a friend of mine…
T: That’s a Billy Joel song.
Me: You’re no fun.
There’s no “u” in narcissist
In honor of Star Wars day today, I cut off my son’s hand and kissed my sister.
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do Cowboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much…”
I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…
ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?
BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else
girls don’t like boys who are punctual..
once this girl dumped me because i came early
Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.
I text my husband approximately 35 times per day with a rate of about 1 response per 5 texts.
Husband, after I put my phone down for 3 minutes and one “Hi” text from him goes unanswered:
HELLOOOOOOOOOO WHERE ARE YOU?!!??! HELLOOOOOOOOOO ARE YOU OK
[At a psychic fair]
Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?
My brain is a bad influence on me
I have never bought a snack faster on name alone in my life.
Sure, sex is great, but have you ever shoved a bunch of pots and pans in the cabinet and shut the door real quick for the next person to deal with?
“daddy, the sun has disappeared!!”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson arrives on a Segway]
“listen here you little shit”
As a mother, I knew one day I would have to deal with the issue of bullying. I just didn’t think it would happen so soon and to my fish.
*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
[first date]
ME: *staring at phone* So then you just come up with something funny and people RT you
WAITER: Sir, your date left 20 min ago
Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.
Had to do 3 cartwheels, a backflip and a verse of “Killing Me Softly” to turn on this automatic sink.
I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.
Her: Why are you still calling? You know it’s over between us.
Him: You know why.
Her: *sighs, calls dog to phone*
To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.