@squirrel74wkgn: As I exposed my glorious chest hairs & catapulted toward the Velcro wall, I realized that I had no exit strategy.
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@piques15: *Working at Walmart* Lady: Hi these Thanksgiving Turkeys are a little small. Do they get any bigger? Me: No Ma’am, they are dead
@Lexi__Alexandra: My doctor said i shouldn't just binge drink all weekend. I tried taking his advice but can't drink a bottle of Jack Daniels every day.
@michaelianblack: "The ankle so important to a basketball player." Something the announcer just said.
@FattMernandez: I couldn't be trusted with a time machine. I'd get killed going back and testing whether or not Velociraptors really could open doors.