Is fructose made with real fruct?
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Don’t just lay there… Move! Bounce! Do something!!
~ me, pleading with my hair
[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.
[phone rings in 1984]
“Eric get the phone”
Hello?
“Tell em I’m not home.”
She’s not home.
“Ask who it is.”
My mom wants to know who this is.
he’s got his mother’s eyes, and his father’s chin… when will this child stop collecting bodyparts
I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity
Everybody: Jurassic Park is a terrible idea and we are all gonna die violently
John Hammond: You have no vision
[Later, everyone is dead]
John Hammond: The important thing to remember is this is nobody’s fault and none of us could have predicted this
Welcome to night club. I know it’s dark, but that’s kinda the poi–
*metal screeching*
Dammit Steve! I told you knight club is downstairs!
I learned two things today:
1) my mother-in-law is coming over for dinner
2) it takes me 1 hour 47 minutes to get home from work in idle
Me, feeling an arrow sliding by my hair to end up on a tree while I hear chubby baby crying : Not today, Cupid
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation
the council will decide your fate
🍄 Convo at work today:
Person: why do red mushrooms have polka dots?
Me: ok I have to warn you, this is my special interest, I can’t answer unless you have 30 mins to spare
P: 30 mins for a plant?
Me: plant? Nvm I need an hour. At least.
Marriage 1st Year.
Husband: Hey, beautiful, I’ve got candles lit and sexy music, ready for a night of romance?
Me: *blushes*Marriage 6th Year:
Husband: The kids are asleep, wanna have sex real quick?
Me: I literally just poured the milk on my cereal.
Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.
Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit
Having to sing happy birthday to anyone over the age of 19 is assault.
Them: Holy shit. How high are you?
Me: *6 minutes later* No, you are.
My son asked Alexa to play The Imperial March, and it synced with my 3yo storming away after her tantrum. It was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.
I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
*putting all my eggs in one basket and singing about it” carry yolky
So what was my mom trying to say when she bought me a book on how to make friends?
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Who threw that? Gary, was that you? Don’t act innocent, I know you download music illegally.
You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.
Person: What are you doing?
Me: Looking at owl callers. It’s skunk mating season. I want to discourage them from my yard. Owls are their predators. I COULD use an owl call but it’s also OWL mating season. I could end up with A LOT of owls
P: You win weirdest problem of the day
I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.
I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.
Vegetables: “We need to be stored in special conditions with ideal humidity and temperature.”
Potatoes:
I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.
Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.