As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit
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I’m not saying I’ve let my house get filthy, but this is the second time I’ve caught my new Roomba trying to mail itself back to the factory
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”
Nice try Hitler
EVERY MOVIE TRAILER NOW:
We hear a single piano key play.
A shot of a basketball court at dusk.
Sally Field [V.O.] “Your grandfather was…complicated. There’s a lot you don’t know, can’t understand.”
A children’s choir starts singing “In the Air Tonight” by Phil Collins.
run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit
me: waiter, my soup is cold
waiter: it’s gazpacho, sir
me: okay. gazpacho, my soup is cold
ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren’t here
THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know
Car sex – for when you want risky sex AND improve your twister game
wait a minute. when the orc in lord of the rings says “looks like meat’s back on the menu boys” how does he know what a menu is
Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil
If you eat enough hershey kisses, you can reform the wrappers into a kiss and replace it in the bowl. This is less funny if you live alone.
I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub
Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?
Wife: You knew when we met that my job would preclude me from having children.
Me: Why? You can still investigate deaths when you’re pregnant.
Wife: Nobody puts baby in the coroner.
A Spartan boy was ripped from his mother at seven and subjected to daily beatings
My mother calls at 40+ to make sure that I’m still eating
U-HAUL, may I help you?
“You have any moving boxes?”
No all our boxes stay still
“Well you better go- wait what?”
Stop calling here, Dad
No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.
How long can a guy stare at you at the urinal before things get creepy…because it’s been two minutes and this dude refuses to make eye contact with me.
the only thing i remember about my school’s gifted program was learning about whales.
what was it about whales that the other kids weren’t ready for? the mystery haunts me to this day.
Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.
tom cruise struggle to operating a rod and reel and it’s all tangled and messed up. fishin’ impossible
I have one son that loves to refurbish cars. He doesn’t get it from me, I don’t even vacuum.
The wife’s clearing out the fridge before vacation so I’ve a pork chop, 3 slices of ham and 6 bacon rashers for dinner. The sad thing is knowing I can never again love her as intensely as I do right now.
Not sure who’s a bigger idiot at this jury duty.
The guy who committed [redacted] or the moron next to me who put a 6 2x in a row of sudoku.
Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die
If any of you die you should use your ghost powers to mess with me. Move my laundry from the dryer into the basket, throw out the old food in my fridge, let my dogs out in the morning. You know, real scary stuff. Get me real good.
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.
I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.