@weinerdog4life: As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald's Playland ball pit
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@Playing_Dad: Me: Not to be racist but you look like you're sick Her: How was that racist? Me: I said "not to be racist" you must be sicker than I thought
@BBQJones28: I use someone calling me during a phone call as an opportunity to hang up on both of them.
@AudreyPorne: [2.13am] me: when cows die do they become cow ghosts? imagine being haunted by a cow ghost. him: *deletes my number*
@Lisa_Laughs_: He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I'll ask again when he wakes up.