As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed… And then I remembered I got gas.
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The moment I met my mother-in-law, I could instantly tell that she was the type to unfairly judge me.
I wanna be friends with this person
[Paranormal Investigator shows up at Disney World]
Ok, show me this so-called “haunted mansion”
Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month
Me: why doesn’t anyone talk to me at work?! 😩
Coworker: …
Me: <takes earbuds out> I’m sorry, what?
I’m having an out of money experience.
If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.
I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner
I need a device that connects to other cars Bluetooth so I can yell “WHY CAN’T YOU DRIVE” through their speakers
Jigsaw: If you want to leave you’re gonna need to…
Me, psyched about missing work: Nah, I’m good here.
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
ME: i trained this chicken to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: what’s a male deer
CHICKEN: buck
ME: how much is 200 pennies
CHICKEN: buck buck
HER: this sucks
ME: it gets better
CHICKEN: it gets way better, Karen
My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.
Me: *whispering to husband* you are looking really hot in your suit. I’m surprised no one has hit on you
Husband: well you’re here with me
Me: oh yeah
Husband: and we’re at a funeral
Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain
[the first ever boomerang]
HIM: Get rid of it
ME [scared] I can’t
In my 20’s: I want to find true love.
In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.
Saying you make your own luck is a gross oversimplification. No one ever mentions how hard it is to collect enough leprechaun toenails for a decent batch.
“Don’t you have this book anywhere?”
“Not here, no.”
“Is it in the back?”
“I’m afraid not.”
“Is it in the basement?”
“No.”
“Aren’t you going to go down and check?”
“Well, that would take a while.”
“How long would it take?”
“I mean first we’d have to install a basement.”
New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you
How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?
a rare painting of a dragon eating spaghetti
9yo: (mouths off to me)
Me:
Hubs: You’re not doing anything? At least take his iPad away.
Me: Patience
(1 hour later)
9yo: Mom! My iPad’s dead, where’s the charger?
Me: What charger?
Hubs: Nice one.
A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.
Fact: Whiskey works for some illnesses because you get the illness drunk and it stumbles out of your body.
I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…
Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.
A lot of guys hate it when I put both my hands on their shoulders and ask if everything is all right.
The guy at the urinal next to me seems particularly upset.
but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME