@neiltyson: Exterminators: The only profession in which you put yourself out of business by being really good at your job.

@QwertyJones3: If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they'd lose the alarm and just announce that there's free food by the stairs.

@TripleFlip66: Sorry I booped your nose during your meltdown ..

@uncle_fescue: Interviewer: so your last job you worked in IT? Me: no, it says "worked it" I: worked what? [disco ball drops] [rips off pants] Me: "it"

@Pork_Chop_Hair: When I cut my nails in the yard outside, I wonder if the ants really appreciate the giant tusk weapons I'm giving them for their battles...