@bobvulfov: [as i'm getting buried alive by a serial killer] wait stop who's gonna feed my tamagotchis
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@neiltyson: Exterminators: The only profession in which you put yourself out of business by being really good at your job.
@QwertyJones3: If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they'd lose the alarm and just announce that there's free food by the stairs.
@uncle_fescue: Interviewer: so your last job you worked in IT? Me: no, it says "worked it" I: worked what? [disco ball drops] [rips off pants] Me: "it"