@bobvulfov: [as i'm getting buried alive by a serial killer] wait stop who's gonna feed my tamagotchis
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@LoveNLunchmeat: My eyesight is just terrible since having kids. I'm always seeing double. It's a nightmare! Optometrist: Ma'am you have identical twins...
@Matt_The_1st: Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room
@imagine_vegas: Girl, I like you so much, I might even let you hold my phone....some day, while its locked