[as i’m getting buried alive by a serial killer] wait stop who’s gonna feed my tamagotchis
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*in an interview*
Me: Tell me a time when you really struggled in your previous job.
Applicant: 5-7PM po.
Me:
Applicant: 8PM.
Me:
“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats
My biological clock is wheezing.
I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.
Disgusting if literal: Liverpool
People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.
me: how much gas do i have?
car: empty.
me: ok but HOW empty?
how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did
I think between the two of them, Kim & Kanye had enough money for a box of condoms.
Opened a bag of turkey jerky that smelled kinda weird but ate one anyway and when I looked at the package I realized I accidentally bought dog treats. Still pretty good tho
8: [gives dog good morning kisses]
wife: the dog gets good morning but not me? I gave you life!
8: the dog’s cute
me: everybody run
Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.
I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.
These drawstring pajama pants practically fall down when I don’t tie them, so I guess another piece of birthday cake is in order.
If you factor in “supply and demand”… she DOES NOT want the D.
There is so much D trying to go around, not even the alphabet wants the D.
Of course I will guard your Easter basket from any pillaging by your sisters. Bring it here, honey.
This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.
[Uncle Sam opening gifts at his July 4 birthday celebration]
*sigh* another stars and stripes top hat
Instead of a dress code every senator should get to choose how one other senator dresses.
6: *Being particularly affectionate at bedtime*. Mommy, do you want a back massage?
Me: Sure, buddy! My back is sore. That would be nice.
6: Maybe because you’re getting old, mommy.
In case you needed a reminder about how brutally honest kids can be.
Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old
-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid
girls in high school: we don’t like you
me: what if i was funny
girls in high school: well that wasn’t really our chief conce-
me: i will become the funniest man in this entire trigonometry class
Look, we don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you to out a little bit to decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “Oh, she’s being weird again”
if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?
Don’t think of it as losing followers, think of it as frustrating bots to the point they go away
(Extreme Depeche Mode voice): It’s a lot. It’s a lot. It’s a lot…seriously. it’s a parking lot.
8 y/o: [rinsing butter off a knife] Whenever I do this I feel like I’m a blacksmith again.
I’m sorry what now?!
I wasn’t entirely comfortable slaughtering that goat under the light of a full moon but grandma’s gravy recipe was very specific.
Mom: Where’s your brother?
Son: Dad sent him to the kitchen to mosh potatoes
Mom: Mosh?
Brother [in the kitchen wildly slamming into potatoes]
I’m not laughing AT you, I’m laughing WITH other people at you.