@neiltyson: Exterminators: The only profession in which you put yourself out of business by being really good at your job.
@QwertyJones3: If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they'd lose the alarm and just announce that there's free food by the stairs.
@TripleFlip66: Sorry I booped your nose during your meltdown ..
@uncle_fescue: Interviewer: so your last job you worked in IT?
Me: no, it says "worked it"
I: worked what?
[disco ball drops]
[rips off pants]
Me: "it"
@Pork_Chop_Hair: When I cut my nails in the yard outside, I wonder if the ants really appreciate the giant tusk weapons I'm giving them for their battles...
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