@bobvulfov: [as i'm getting buried alive by a serial killer] wait stop who's gonna feed my tamagotchis
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@Dawn_M_: Sharks don't like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.
@jaimekessel: Instead of a flower girl, I want a parmesan boy to sprinkle cheese down the aisle at my wedding
@CVTBaby: When the ex saw 2 wine glasses in my sink, I hope he thought, "she shared a bottle w/ a hot guy" not "drinking alone 2 nights in a row"