@bobvulfov: [as i'm getting buried alive by a serial killer] wait stop who's gonna feed my tamagotchis
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@E_lok44: Pro tip: If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you "shhh" someone.
@AristotlesNZ: Love how dog food commercials advertise tastier formulas like that matters when deciding what to buy & feed a pet who eats its own vomit.
@handsock_butts: Me: I didn't get anything this year. Do you think Santa's magic...is running out? Wife: Santa isn't real Me: Don't lie to save my feelings