As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.
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My kid just asked me to help with her art project and I said “aw, why did you choose me?” and she said “because you suck at math”
VERY ANNOYED. My enemy keeps playing Hulk Hogan’s theme song b4 I enter rooms. People then expect Hulk Hogan & are disappointed when it’s me
[halloween]
ME: nice costume. casanova?
HIM: guy fawkes
ME: {high-fiving} hell yeah he does
a nightmare where I’m performing disney on ice – but I don’t know how to do it, so I panic and just fireman-carry my partner around the arena for the entire seven and a half minute song, serenaded by the boos of furious children
“I got you this for Valentine’s Day.”
[she opens the box and reveals several People magazines inside]
“I think we should see other people.”
Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread
My daughter begs me to read one more recipe before bed,
“How does the Stroganoff turn out!?”I place a hand on their innocent forehead, “Darling, the stroganoff in the book will be just fine.” I stare out the window at the dark cold night, “But real life is not like in books.”
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.
*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”
I wrote a paper on how plants are evil.
It’s my Photo-Sin-Thesis
I once sat down with Oprah to discuss my drug use but I was high & that might not have been Oprah because why did she need to borrow money?
I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.
*pats crying child on the back*
“There, there”
*child keeps crying*
“Did you not just hear when I said, ‘There, there’? Shut up, already”
You: Would you like a keto burger?
My Anaconda: No.
We’d been married for 5yrs before we heard the patter of tiny feet. In time even the kids learned to live with the massive rat infestation
I’m like a snack in the way that I hide in the pantry a lot
Dragons don’t breathe fire they breathe air like us they breathe air they just produce fire which isn’t the same as breathing fire no stop I’m not done stop taking the microphone I’m the best man you have to let me finish my
What part of watching dogs on skateboard makes YouTube ads think I’m in any position to buy the brand new Lexus?
being a parent of toddlers means looking up, discovering scribbles on the ceiling, shrugging, and continuing to drink your coffee.
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
THIS IS THE POLICE.
COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.“Wrong house guys.”
ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT?
“Yup, happens a lot.”
OKAY COOL, SORRY.
M: Come to bed…
Her: I have a headache
M: You’re a robot!
H:
M:
H: …SELF DESTRUCT[BOOM]
M: Nice try but you’re still under warranty!
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
6: What’s a hangover?
Me: The interest repayment on fun.
Who did it better?
A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.
After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.
Hi I’m the protagonist of a YA horror story. My name is something VERY SYMBOLIC like Persephone Underworld or Circe Evil-Lineage. Tho it seems vague, if you’re good at doing an allegory you’ll understand it’s a hint that my family has an evil, death-related history. Spoiler alert
my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again