As long as Apple doesn’t announce Ben Affleck as the new iPhone I think everything is going to be OK.
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Wife: I want a divorce.
Me: [into drive-thru intercom] One divorce please.
we’ve all been home together for a solid week now and my 6-year-old has expressed daily outrage about how the wh- in “whole” is different than in “when” and “why” and now i’m mad about it too
I only go on LinkedIn to see what my coworkers looked like 15 years ago.
Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.
Terribly Tuesday.
I don’t even want to know why.
Subtle cannibal alert: people who call their friends “peeps” around Easter.
friend: hey man don’t drink too much you know how you get
me: what do you mean
[2 hard lemonades later]
me: we should drive to my boss’ house and steal all his grass. all of it
I’ll totally stroke your ego while you’re replacing my windshield wipers for me ’cause I’m nice like that
*I finish setting up a display of skeletons in my front yard*
Neighbor: Great Halloween display!
Me: What is halloween?
Break bad news to teens by talking on THEIR level.
ME [spinning on chair in daughter’s room]: Yo, turns out grandma’s heart is weak af.
History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud
A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.
Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
WELL OFFICER IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO SEE ME MASTURBATING YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE PULLED ME OVER
Answering all phone calls with, “no, YOUR payment is overdue!”.
therapist: how have you been coping with everything
me: with sarcasm mostly
therapist: has that been working
me: yeah it’s been super great
[Confessional Booth]
Me: My favorite sins are sins of the flesh.
Priest: FAVORITE SINS?!
Me: Why are you yelling? And gluttony, gluttony is a close 2nd.
A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.
My boyfriend was explaining to me how its nice to be with me as I’m so easy to keep happy. Enjoying the positive comments I asked him to elaborate, he says well all you need is to sleep well, eat lots and go for nice walks, to which I suddenly realised I am a golden retriever
one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up
vegan witches, happy halloween!
Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.
When libraries troll their patrons.
Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.
[mind reader club]
speaker:
audience:
speaker:
audience: *clapping*
20 years ago my Dad went out to buy a pack of Camels
…and now he’s the most successful camel breeder in Europe.
[marketing meeting]
Boss: so what did we come up with for these little pieces of potato?
The Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Tater children
My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.
Everyone likes rough sex until it’s on an IKEA bunk bed.
Kids will interrupt your really important conversations to ask questions like, “which door do you think the zombies will come through? The front door or the back door?”