@JimGaffigan: As long as McDonald's doesn't make us pay with excercise.
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@tedalexandro: We get it. If your candidate doesn't win in November, you're moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.
@iamspacegirl: If Facebook Was Real me: cool shirt Brian Brian: thanks [hours later, a knock at my door] me: um yes? Brian's Mom: I also like that shirt
@SamuelHLowe: - 911, what's your emergency? - My nephew just swallowed a lighter! - What's your address? - Never mind, I found some matches.
@shutupmikeginn: I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I'm doing well and he's 17 which is very old for a dog