As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.
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My wife spent six weeks researching customer reviews of vacuum cleaners and one time I bought a new car because I had the same dog as the guy on the commercial.
A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.
The French really did the “this is fine” meme.
Aquaman has to wait a half hour after eating before going on land.
Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.
The problem with this world is that they just let anyone in.
Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.
An M&M.
In half.
To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
My weight loss goal is to not care about the crumbs at the bottom of a Pringles can.
My cats woke me up at 3am fighting so while they’re trying to sleep it off I think I’ll spend the whole day vacuuming
PET SHOP OWNER: So would u like a puppy for your son?
ME: Yes[home]
WIFE: Where’s Tommy?
ME [with a puppy] ok so they offered me this deal
Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list
You know how some women ‘walk into’ their perfume? I’ve just done that but with a lamp post
waking up with a headache was not the pounding I was hoping for
Are there Jewish exorcisms? Where the demon comes out, and just tells you to call your mother?
If I was invited to a gender reveal party I’d bring deviled eggs and sammiches for the fire fighters.
Duolingo getting serious.
I was late to my first fight club last night so I missed the introduction but it was still really fun and I highly recommend fight club
Me: I’m worried that the romance has gone out of our marriage
Hub: Bet I can change your mind during the next commercial break
{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd
*walks into a room full of people*
*looks around*
*answers fake phone call*
*leaves*
[blind date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a customer service representative.
Me: Cool. Our date is important to me. Please hold. I’ll be back in an hour.
You let a man into your life and now you’re irritated before 9 am
As the officer approached my car I took a big pull of helium from the balloon and started crying
I’d been waiting so long for my doc, when the assistant came out and called for Krokowski, I said right here, here I am and ran back before Krokowski knew what happened.
*Weather changes*
BODY: This is weird. Must have an asthma attack.
*Anything else changes*
MIND: This is weird. Must have a panic attack.
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
That de-escalated quickly
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another