As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.
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Old Spice 14-in-1 body wash, shampoo, conditioner, face wash, moisturizer, toothpaste, super glue, mouth wash, shaving cream, caulk, aftershave, lube, energy drink, cream cheese
Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?
A: Because it waxes every month.
i have never needed anything in my life more than this
*shouting like a carnival barker* Worry, worry, worry!
At times like this, I ask myself “what would Jesus do?” and then I hide in a cave for three days
8:00 AM: I am 100% committed to this new diet!
8:45 AM: Eats an entire box of uncooked lasagna noodles
Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.
I used to believe in International Women’s Day… then I realised it was just my dad sneaking into my room, dressed as an International Woman.
Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.
Sometimes at the airport I’ll ask a stranger if they have an iphone charger and if they do I take mine out and say “nice, me too”
Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?
ME: [running for my flight]
PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP
I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said “WHERE ?”
*sees a racoon in the neighbor’s trash*
I won’t say anything if you don’t.
*continues rummaging*
Gimme a cheese sub, hold the cheese
“Um, just the bread?”
No bread thanks
“I erm?”
Just butter my hand. And quit gawping I ain’t got all day
Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat
I’ve watched enough Dexter to know if he’s lying about one thing he might also be lying about a lot of other things and secretly a serial killer.
I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store
Dr: You have palpitations
Me: You mean my heartbeat’s off?
Dr: Hearts can’t beat off HAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA- [goes into cardiac arrest]
I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.
*Spends 30 min practicing Starbucks order in mirror*
*Feels confident*
*”Hi I’d like a grander ahoy Ralph Macchioatto lateenbay”*
*dammit*
wife: sometimes I think you love bacon more than you love me
me: in fairness I never caught the tennis instructor in bed with my bacon
w: I despise you
Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.
I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.
“I’m so pissed I could punch a ba-”
“A what?” Big Baby from Toy Story 3 hovers over me, sawed-off shotgun in hand.
“A bagel. I HATE carbs.”
When I die I want to come back as a ghost to haunt my adult children’s houses, just passive-aggressively turning off lights they’ve left on and pointedly moving their shoes to the shoe cabinet, just heavily sighing the whole time
Truth
*points at your toddler
So does it know any tricks yet?
employment counsellor: for your interview be sure to bring a copy of your CV, be on time and wear your best dress
me: [shows up in prom gown but on time]
Digs hole so deep to bury feelings I end up in China