As long as the stupid phrase “interracial relationship” exists, I’m going to refer to same race ones as a “color-coordinated relationship.”
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4: mommy, I don’t like you.
Me: why, what did I do??
4: *gives me a huge hug*
Me: uh
4: I only love grandma
Me: what is happening
Who decides which tweets go viral and which ones don’t?? I have been putting out quality content for YEARS and I’m starting to understand how Leonardo DiCaprio felt waiting for his Oscar.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that 4 glasses of wine makes it exponentially more difficult to get out of the bathtub.
Whenever I go to a restaurant without my kids, I feel like something is missing…
DOES ANYONE NEED THEIR TUSHY WIPED?!
ME: I hate when I look in the mirror and I don’t like the person looking back.
THERAPIST: That’s a window. You’re staring at our gardner, Gary.
I have patio furniture in the friend zone.
[taking a knee]
Surgeon: Stop that woman!
Me: oil change plz
Toyota: it’ll be $39
Me: cool heres my $2 off coupon4 hrs later
T: ur steering wheel fell off total is $2900 sign here
I get it, people who leave Styrofoam everywhere. it is heavy and hard to pick up and put in the trash.
Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.
me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no
Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.
* feels winds of change
* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts
Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
Not now kids. Mom is racing her rubber duckies in the bathtub and this time I really think Javier is going to win.
If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she’d show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.
You see me wildly flailing my arms. Did I:
a) Walk through a spider web?
b) Try to wrap something in Saran wrap?
c) Try to use Scotch tape?
WIFE: Having your phone in your jeans pocket will make you infertile & stop us having more kids
ME: *shoves 10 phones & microwave in pocket*
17: Want to see a movie?
Me: Sure.
17: Afternoon show only, so no one sees us together.
Me: Ok. *Posts pic on IG. Tags all her friends.
Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.
“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”
-Me, to my laundry basket.
Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.
Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.
God: *creates sunset*
Angel: That’s beautiful. What purpose does it solve?
God: *creating Instagram* You’ll see.
uber driver picked me up “dodger stadium? you goin to the game?” i was like “nah” and we both sat there in silence for the whole ride, both knowing i had lied
her: I’m a cat person
me: I’m more of a dog pers-
her: [starts licking hind leg]
me: oooOoo k
New modem
5yo: What is that?
Me: an alien detector
5: It has a glowing green light.
Me: means it found one.
5: It’s pointing right at you
Me *evil grin* I know
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
I miss the 80s, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police.