As long as you’re good at blending in, you can be part of Brad and Angelina’s family too.
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I’ve never protested anything before but dude when I found out that pigs have like 300 nipples bruh, I was mad as hell. I made a sign for my yard about it, you know, and I stopped eating pigs milk man I didn’t touch pigs milk for maybe a month.
A new fast-food joint called, Bish Wut U Want. The drive-thru greeting will be, Bish Wut U Want?
Sometimes, I like to establish dominance over my shorter friends by telling them we need to hurry, and then climbing up a staircase, two steps at a time.
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.
Women out here dating guys with three felonies
but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.
Actual voice mail:
“Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don’t know how to make the facey-things so…happy face at the end.”
Look at this fly rubbing his hands together, what is he up to?
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & ran away down the road
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a big path that cars drive on
If you haven’t told your kids that wine is made out of whiny children then congratulations I guess you’re a better parent than me.
Me: if you tell me how many cookies are in this jar, you can have them all.
She: you ate them all didn’t you?
Me: and we have a winner.
The man standing outside the nursing home just asked if I had any teeth to sell
Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god
“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.
Watch closely as the husband quietly approaches the calm children, riles them up into a frenzy, then slyly escapes to watch football.
If you want to get someone out of your office, just pull two tampons out of your purse and start air drumming.
I experienced this today. I decided I’m a genius. 😂
Flying cars sound great but have you seen people drive? No way man
Two bacteria walk into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve bacteria here.”
And the bacteria says, “But we work here. We’re staph.”
[karate class]
Sensei: break this board with your hands
Me: why can’t I use an axe?
Sensei: because I hate you
My dentist plays country music, so it’s like a double torture.
Fashion designers:
What do you want?Women: uniform sizing across brands.
Fashion designers:
Bwahahaha!
Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…
Double negatives are never not confusing.
[calling work after accidentally tapping the switch that adjusts the driver’s seat] yeah im gonna be a few hours late
Are we there yet?…
You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off all the lights so you can sit together by the window and listen to the neighbors fight.
“NOAH. YOU WILL BUILD AN ARK”
k
“NOT “K” THIS IS IMPORTANT”
Sorry
“THATS OK. TAKE 2 OF EVERY ANIMAL ON IT”
Even fish?
*THUNDER*
“NO NOT FISH
Not all crimes are bad. For example: If there was a crow sized hole in a bank vault & a crow decided to sneak into the vault to bring me a shiny coin, every day, for years… This would be good actually.
popsicle not seeing heaven 😭