@timdonakowski: As long as you're good at blending in, you can be part of Brad and Angelina's family too.
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@mydmac: Therapist: Would you use alcohol, food and sex as a means of feeling happy? Me: Yes, thanks.
@rolldiggity: Bully: "Hey, four eyes!" Me: "Don't you mean... fork eyes?" [Turns around. Stabs bully with forks tied to glasses. Becomes class president.]
@lisaxy424: I'm at the point in my life where "friend with benefits" just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.