@timdonakowski: As long as you're good at blending in, you can be part of Brad and Angelina's family too.
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@MartaEffing: *leaning seductively, slowly dragging fingertip across countertop* Me: how much for the entire case? Donut shop clerk: ma'am, $8.99 a dozen
@yoyoha: Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times lets face it you're a jerk and I'm stupid
@DaddyJew: *something breaks Me: hand me my tools 7: call someone for help Me: no 7 already on the phone: mom, he's trying to fix stuff again
@Kendragarden: I said "Margarita" 3 times in the mirror instead of "Bloody Mary" and now a ghost mariachi band is forcing me to play maracas for them.