As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.
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[trying to impress my date] order whatever u want
her: i’ll have the lobster
waiter: [noticing i am pointing a gun at him under the table] we uh. we don’t have lobster
The next time kids ding door ditch you you have to run and chase after them and yell WHAT IF IM A CRAZY PERSON!!
That’s what I call a flat tire
[restaurant]
*patpatpat*
ME: you hear that?
*patpatPATPAT*
DATE: what the
[penguin bolts out of kitchen with a fish]
CHEF: SOMEBODY STOP HIM
in 2nd grade we had to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up and i just drew myself with sunglasses on
[1st Day after wildebeests take over]
I’m safe in my house
[Day 7]
Thought I heard clattering
[Day 21]
THEY CAN OPEN DOORS WITH THEIR HOOVES
Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.
*every day after camp*
Me: Did you learn any new games today?
7yo: Yeah, we learned a game called [slightly differently named game].
Me: Cool. How do you play?
7yo: *describes tag*
You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run – ORIGAMI not for everyone !
serial killer: [gently knocking on my bathroom door] you…you ok in there?
Me: I’m on the carnival diet.
Person: You mean the carnivore diet?
Me: No, the carnival diet. I eat hot dogs, funnel cake, and cotton candy.
I’m a multitasker, for example I can be a couch potato and a baked potato at the same time
Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.
I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.
The gym is really dead on Saturday mornings. I could tell by their empty parking lot as I was sitting in McDonald’s eating hotcakes and sausage.
Things I’ve learned as a mom:
Kiss boo boo’s.
Say I love you a lot.
Snuggle when they ask.
Do laundry daily.
Hide the good snacks.
Did you dream of me, baby?
-Are you a swimming pool full of Lucky Charms & milk?
No, silly.
-Then no.
Ninja wedding vows be like “in slickness and in stealth.”
I had a dream where my crush complimented my face and I said “thanks I’ve been working on it my whole life” so yes I’m truly like this all the time even while I sleep
I need to hide the teen’s birthday present where he’ll never find it so I’m thinking behind the vacuum cleaner will be perfect.
There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
“Airline fracture”
We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.
[Job Interview]
Me: I promise to be dedicated to every day, reliable when depended on, and steadfastly devoted always. Nothing means more to me.
Job interviewer: Are you reading a love letter?
[45 minutes into Charlie and the Chocolate Factory]
7 year old: how does he still have a job?
If you’re pure of heart you can put almost anything in the recycling
Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*
Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.
A chinchilla infestation sounds more like a solution than a problem at this point.
To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”
I want your life.
don’t we all
My 6yr old had a wipe out and upon assessing a minor scrape said “this is going to make it hard for me to walk since I’m right kneed.”