As my friend Joe’s last wish I had him cremated and sprinkled his ashes into the coffee pots at work..all morning everyone had a cup of Joe
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what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise
You’re telling me this life crisis is mid
Why do they say “break a leg !” to actors ?
If you said “tear an ACL !” to a star athlete,
you’d be shot on the spot.
It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
Me: Alexa, tell me about your new privacy policy.
Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
[The Cheesecake Factory]
*looking at menu*
Alan Rickman voice: Turn to page 394.
You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?
Police: We’d like u to come with us to answer some questions about ur husband’s disappearance.
Mrs. Potato Head eating french fries: why?
Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean
*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*
All of my other appliances think the air fryer is an overachiever. Even the food processor and the blender are bonding over this, and they’ve been enemies for years.
HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.
Lock eyes with woman across the bar. Entire life flashes before my eyes. Courtship. Wedding. Marriage. Kids. 2 boys. Promising athletes. Bigger stronger than everyone. NFL dreams. Puberty. They stop growing. 5’9. Division 3. I snap out of it and hide in the bathroom for 2 hours
Me: “I updated the employee handbook like you asked.”
Boss: “This is just a book with pics of everyone’s hands.”
Me: “Pretty cool, right?”
An advantage of working at home is enjoying your cat’s company. It would be nice though if she did some typing, light filing, and answered some phone calls
I’ve never protested anything before but dude when I found out that pigs have like 300 nipples bruh, I was mad as hell. I made a sign for my yard about it, you know, and I stopped eating pigs milk man I didn’t touch pigs milk for maybe a month.
[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti
looking for someone who loves me as much as some people love standing up the second a plane lands.
That second remote is only useful for that one button on it which you push to switch from the first remote to the third remote.
DMV Lady: Do you want to retake your photo? You look mad.
Me: I am mad.
DMV Lady: But you’ll look mad on here for 5 years.
Me: I will still be mad in 5 years.
Oh how all 5 feet 3 inches of me breathed a sigh of relief today at work when they announced that the tallest person in every group had to facilitate the breakout discussions.
time for some seasonal decor
*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*
Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.
When I was little, I once said that my dad could run faster than ketchup coming out of a bottle.
Someone asked me if I’d choose potatoes over cake. Buddy I’d choose potatoes over democracy.
Son #1: Who’s your favorite kid?
Me: It doesn’t matter.
Son #2: Yeah, but who’s your favorite?
Me: Your Mom is my favorite, and I’d bury you both alive on her say-so. Remember that.
Son: Dad, you work so hard and never get any credit. You’re like a superhero!
Dad: Nice try. You’re still not getting the Internet password.
I took two years of anger management courses
Now I’m the manager of four brand new anger stores
Pigeon: the distance a pig travels in one eon