As my friend Joe’s last wish I had him cremated and sprinkled his ashes into the coffee pots at work..all morning everyone had a cup of Joe
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I like to listen to Anu Malik’s music while I study because he is a constant reminder on why it’s important to get educated.
a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off
If using your 4yo as a remote control to fetch things makes you a bad parent, then I’m a bad parent…
A bad parent with an ice cold beer.
This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting
You can learn a lot about a guy when you go through the pockets of his pants that are at his ankles in the bathroom stall next to your’s.
Seasons are confusing in Los Angeles. Time to pull out my winter sundress.
My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*
So last night me and my husband went to a bar for our one month anniversary and did a lil sexy role play as strangers on a first date.
Later a woman pulled me aside in the bathroom to say “sorry but I was watching… It is so funny how much you hate that guy and he has no idea.”
The thing about my dogs barking is I can never tell if there is a murderer breaking in or if my neighbor closed their car door in the driveway.
WIFE: Not your eyes! You dont have to prove it anymore
GUY WHO CLAIMS HE PUTS HOT SAUCE ON EVERYTHING: *thru tears* I made a commitment babe
Wife: What is that?
Me: Did you know killer whales are really the largest dolphin in the world?
Wife: I don’t care, just get it OUT of our pool!
Me: [whispering] Don’t worry, Dolphin Lundgren…she’ll come around.
Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?
Me: So, hypothetically speaking, if we were dating would I get any free food?
Her: Uh, excuse me?
Me: *sigh* #1 combo with cheese, please.
“They’re gray with gray stripes”
– me warning my dog about skunks
6: that’s none of your business
4: it IS my business
6:
4: what does business mean
The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it
I need a treadmill with a reward system.
Run 10k, here’s a pizza.
Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.
Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me
Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality
What is wrong with Riverdale that ARCHIE was the best option?
My husband is outside talking to people. Tonight, he will be outside sleeping.
Babies are like tattoos. They’re yours forever and maybe wait a few days before posting pictures of them so they’re not all gross looking.
My newest passion is making up sex positions when weird dudes ask my favorite. I’m a big fan of the Flying Lacrosse Kick, but I also really like the Tightrope Nanny.
Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.
Me: *To my 5YO* Can I have your Twix? Those were my favorite at your age.
5YO: They used to make Twix when the world first started?
I like to pack a healthy lunch for work so that by 3 p.m. I’m ready to do unspeakable things for a piece of chocolate.
Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….The thief is spending less
than my wife did.
The fact that no one on House Hunters has ever looked at a bathroom and said “I can picture myself taking a dump in here” is a tragically missed opportunity
I hope the woman who forgot the word “iced” and so asked me for a caramel macchiato “on the rocks” yesterday is doing well
You are never alone with Cthulhu in your mind. #WednesdayWisdom