@TheRealRHB: As my friend Joe's last wish I had him cremated and sprinkled his ashes into the coffee pots at work..all morning everyone had a cup of Joe
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@Jam453Lane: My FitBit app says I sleep walked 20 steps last night, glad I was asleep during all that damn exercise.
@FunnyMojoJojo: When one door closes another one opens. ... Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that's how doors work...!!
@KalvinMacleod: [1st date] HER: I love when a guy speaks other languages ME: <html><body><p>hey</p></body></html> HER: *closes her browser, metaphorically*
@jwoodham: "You have a date? With who?" [Sees a fishing boat] "Uh, her name is Net..." [Sees someone with a booger] "Flicks! Net Flicks! Wait. Dammit."