As my girlfriend was trying on jeans, a clerk asked her “Need a bigger size?” I saw the look on her face and went to make room in the trunk.
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job interview tip: show up wearig the exact same thing as ur interveiwer, whispre “dress for the job u want, right?” then just stare at them
I’m no political expert, but as far as I can tell the Republican strategy seems to be:
“oh you think BUSH was terrible?”
It’s October which means it’s basically Halloween which means Thanksgiving is right around the corner which means it’s pretty much Christmas so Happy New Year everyone.
People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out
every TV pilot:
“Hey man! How long’s it been, 13 years? I haven’t seen you since you got kicked off the force under dubious circumstances. Are you still haunted by the death of your wife?”
My wife is getting rid of all the clutter. If you see the kids and me standing out by the street, it means we didn’t make the cut this year.
DRUG DEALER: whatya want?
ME: *takes his hand in mine* what do YOU want?
DRUG DEALER: *tearing up* no one ever asks me that
If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.
My boss accused me of being overly dramatic, I lamented in a soliloquy as I threw myself across the desk in feigned shock
walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal
I have no idea how to clean a cheese grater. Usually I just end up grating a sponge
I like to shout, “ohh it burns!” while using a public restroom.
*goes in bank with finger guns*
This is a robbery!
“no one’ll take you seriously-”
*switches to double barrel finger guns*
“do what he says”
colonel mustard’s first name is dijonathan
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
*burglar alarm goes off*
me (turns to the robber asleep beside me): honey it’s time to get up and go to work
(husband picking me up at the airport): what’s for dinner?
when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn’t see and he kept walking for a little bit
It’s like my Mom always said FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW:
If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.
I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.
I’m not exaggerating when I say if I ever clogged a toilet at work I would immediately quit, change my name, and move to a different city
There’s magic in the air and it’s called Wifi.
Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit
Keep a few cat turds in your pockets, just in case a cop searches you. He will get cat poop on his hands, and you can laugh. It’s all legal.
Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.
My son got his license and I’m terrified, but totally ok if he wants to drive to McDonald’s and get me a McFlurry.
This is Bill
Bill has a wife
Bill isn’t scared of his wife & says what he wants when he..This is Bill’s wife
Bill is no longer available