As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.
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Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.
Dogs are your best friend unless you’re playing hide and seek – they will sell you out.
ME: [slowly heating water containing frog]
WIFE: what are you doing!
ME: [adding bubble bath] Ribbit Downey Jr had a stressful day
Waking up would be much easier if I didn’t have to do it so many days in a row.
“Damnit!”
-a burglar, discovering yet another drawer filled with dead batteries, take-out menus, and pen caps.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself” shut up. That’s not true at all. Have you ever seen a really big wasp.
hamburger doesn’t need your help.
Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.Now go to bed,you’re drunk.
My mom: sure use any towel.
Also my mom: not that one.
My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.
“I’m ONE PERSON trying to hold this whole house together!” my husband hollers in frustration as the kids flee back to the tv, abandoning him with the collapsing gingerbread house.
The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.
[trying to fit in with people at the gym]
me: *takes a big swig of gatorade* wow you can really taste the gator
fred flinstone (my landlord): the rent is due
me: say it
fred: pls no
me: i’m not paying
fred: *sighs* the rent is yabba dabba due
me: haha
Nothing guarantees running into someone you know in public better than looking like a feral animal on two hours of sleep.
Idk why but I get so much joy out of responding to phone scammers with the most dire and preposterous situations
Facebook is the biggest whistle-blower of them all, telling people I saw their messages.
I’m sorry I said the Nazis were also a party when you invited me to celebrate your kid’s first birthday.
me: *finally falling back asleep in the middle of the night*
my brain: *make her think she heard the doorbell*
I’m sticking to my guns.
I really should have washed my hands after I ate.
Stellar hiring process HR. The new lady broke into song when being introduced to me. I give it 2 days before her first cat-related meltdown.
Clients after you give them your rates
bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.
Everybody wants to be wanted, except maybe fugitives.
How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off
Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me
me: can we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: may
me: sorry, may we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: no i mean the month
Daughter steals my iPad so I left Google open on “too many kids” & “making it look accidental.” Found my iPad but haven’t seen her all day.