As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.
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jfc, the doctor doing my physical just asked if I was “that twitter guy” so I said “yup, I’m the funny twitter guy,” and he responded “I didn’t say funny.” We haven’t even gotten to the awkward part of this appointment yet 🙁
I think it’s adorable when kids lose their teeth, they look like tiny meth addicts.
Don’t think I won’t spin around and French kiss you if you’re standing too close to me in line at the liquor store.
“Hi”
My name is
“What?”
My name is
“Who?”
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”
RETIRED STUNTMAN: We didn’t have fancy CGI. If the script said to drive a truck into a dinosaur, we drove a truck into a goddamn dinosaur.
Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.
I’ve decided that my go to from now on will be
“Sorry my house is a mess my husband is out of town”
They don’t need to know that it’s like this no matter what.
You didn’t say I couldn’t fill the jacuzzi with mac and cheese
[adrift at sea]
CLOWN: no worries, we can use this helium canister to propel us to shore
ME: *really squeaky voice* we need a different plan
*Feels the cool breeze caressing my skin*
Cool breeze: I have a girlfriend
Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
I picked the wrong year to stop drinking.
– a Memoir
A cup of water A cup of water
when it’s in when it spills
a cup on the table
me: sorry this place is such a mess
her: it’s my house
A couple is asleep when their doorbell rings at 3am.
The wife shakes the husband and says “Honey, there’s someone at the door.”
The husband, irritated gets up and opens the door to an obviously drunk man.
“Can I help you?”
“Could you give me a push?” asks the drunk man.…
Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”
bartender: what’s wrong with you
best man: they kicked me out because i dropped the mike after the wedding toast
bartender: well that’s excessive-
best man: mike is the groom
Wow, you’ve got a lot of hickeys Kris.
Me: Busy weekend *winks
*remembers wrestling that octopus at the aquarium for giving me side eye.
interviewer: we just have one concern
me: [unsheathing] is it about the sword I brought
interviewer: well it is now
interviewer 2: holy shit
interviewer 3: awesome
The one closest to the sky is most likely to get eaten by the pterodactyl.
I’m not sure what my wife thinks I do in the bathroom, but I appreciate all her support
If your dog doesn’t come back when you call them just shout “Oh shit!” and look at the floor like you’ve dropped something
The Face ID on my phone doesn’t recognise me when I’m smiling. It does, however, recognise me when I have a mouthful of food.
A guy at work forges as a hobby and it took me almost a year before I realized that he wasn’t saying he was foraging on the weekend
i left 11 and 8 at home to run down the street to get tacos. when i came back 8 was out in the yard (3 acres) clipping the grass with tiny scissors. exactly what a drunk person would do.
If poetry is dead, then explain this:
Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.
When Fred Willard got arrested for lewd behavior in an adult movie theater I was shocked. Where did he find an adult movie theater?
What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?
Nothing. He was STUFFED!
Not all heroes wear capes…