[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first
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I put the hummingbird feeder by the other bird feeders so the hummingbirds are forced to learn some social skills.
Why did Gandalf bring a firework that suddenly transforms into a dragon to an elderly dragon attack survivor’s birthday. does he not like Bilbo
Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
How to properly lift a body
Don’t try take your pants off while walking down stairs.
Lesson learned
Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.
My kid has been sneaking tv in the morning and got mad at me today when I caught him like “you didn’t tell me you were coming down the stairs!” Gee sorry I didn’t give you more time to plan your deception buddy
Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.
*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute
There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door
I walk around my yard with a fake teardrop tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”
This day in history. 1965. The Who’s equipment van was stolen while they were inside the Battersea Dogs Home choosing a dog to guard their van.
Why is it like a quirky thing that Biden likes ice cream. Call me when he starts eating a bowl of whole peppercorns
I can’t bend my pinky without my ring finger bending as well..is this normal?
Let’s hear your results ’cause I know you just tried it.
I’m not saying you’re stupid, but you look like the kind of guy who’d play Russian roulette with an automatic pistol.
Wife: honey the kitchen really needs an update
Me: consider it done love
*hanging this year’s calendar on the fridge*
Boycotting the Winter Olympics because it’s too frickin’ cold.
“I’m THIRSTY!”
“Can I have a drink?”
“DAAAAAAAAD!”
“I WANT WAAAAAAAAAAAAATER!”See? My son can turn water into whine, too.
Your move, God.
Can’t believe I went on a date with someone who did a background check on me and casually spent the rest of the night reciting facts about me to me, and then proceeded to continue going out with him.
20: Roll out of bed looking like a model
30: Blush, brush hair & go
40: Blowout, perfume, push-up bra, mani, Spanx, facial, plaster of Paris
You call the carnival ride dangerous.
I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”
MC HAMMER: U can’t touch this! … U can’t touch this!
MASSAGE THERAPIST: Please just let me do my job Mr. Hammer!
MC HAMMER: U can’t tou…
Me: If Captain America and The Hulk got married they could name their kid Star-Spangled Banner
Therapist: we should start meeting twice a day
Expiration date? More like spoiler alert.
Getting money from “the Tooth Fairy” is a gateway drug to organ trafficking.
Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
As my grandma used to say, if a bear is sitting on your couch, you’ve drunk too much. If you’re not drunk, why aren’t you running?
I did the DNA test 23 and me. I’m 85% Hagen Dazs and only 15% Reeses! This test is bullshit!