@Burger_Time_: [as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first
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@CM2BTTHD: Our dog runs away so much, I'm just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.
@KentWGraham: After 20 years of marriage, my wife still makes me smile. Usually at family gatherings where she threatens me if I don’t look happy.
@DaddyJew: Me: so what are you wearing sexy? Collection agency: umm...we'll just call back tomorrow
@weinerdog4life: The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away