As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.
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Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…
“Hey, smell this.”
-Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.
“And to my son Ronald, I leave my entire collection of mint-condition, never-been-opened LinkedIn Updates emails.”
If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.
I think my 2 year old is behind the Netflix algorithm. He’s like “Because I liked being carefully tossed up in the air by my dad, I might also enjoy running headfirst into this doorframe”.
Me: How old am I?
Brain: Give me a minute.
Me: What’s my email password?
Brain: I don’t remember.
Me: Why’d I walk in this room?
Brain: I have no idea.
Me:
Brain: Your high school locker combo was 54-27-14.
Love is always patient and kind.
All I want for Valentine’s day is a good night out with my boyfriend
My husband says I’ve got to go out with him! Rude
I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.
[both kids on my lap]
Me:This is so nice
5yo:Mommy your breath stinks.
M: I carried you for 9 months!
4yo:Why didn’t you use a stroller?
sorry im late, i photoshoped myself as every member of Slayer
I don’t want the baby mountain goat to die but I don’t want the snow leopard to starve. Why do we even watch these nature shows?
Some people are like a ray of spray tan.
My DNA results came back and apparently I’m .0002% aardvark. Which pretty much answers all the questions I’ve ever had. About anything.
*walks in on you sitting on the toilet* “Scooch over.”
Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?
My wife and I couldn’t agree about whether or not I’m her hero. She’s in the bathroom right now and I’ve hid the toilet paper. We’re about to resolve this.
If you post a handstand photo of yourself at the beach in Uggs you’re automatically entered into an essay contest on why you love your Jetta
[first date]
him: I’m a cat person.
me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand
If you run out of pet names for your partner, just call them assorted baking ingredients: sugar, honey, cinnamon, vanilla, garlic powder, Montreal steak seasoning, butter, pumpkin.
I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.
Starve a cold. Feed a fever. Humiliate a rash. Flatter a migraine. Friendzone diarrhea. Date cramps. Bring anxiety home to meet the family.
Life hack: shave your head so you can sleep at your desk without messing up your hair.
HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral
No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.
If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works
Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.
(me, as a caveman, inventing religion):
what if there’s a giant sky man who will be like super pissed if you don’t give me money
Boss: Are you asleep?
Me: Sorry, must’ve dozed off
B: That’s unacceptable!
M: I apologised, didn’t I ?
B: And where are your pants?
M: *shrugging* I always sleep naked
I don’t get it. EVERYTHING we do is for money. Why does society condemn it for sex? DAD: Um, okay. Maybe someone ELSE wants to say grace?