@CYComedy: As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.
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@MariyaAlexander: If diamonds are a girl's best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?
@ch000ch: if she doesn't reciprocate ur first "i love u", press ur finger to ur strategically placed bluetooth & say "oh cool u love me too? nice"
@SufficientCharm: GOD: Let's give her ALL the awesome. "But what if it's TOO much awesome?" GOD: Then we'll divide it evenly between multiple personalities.
@timdonakowski: Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat's resting his little head on my leg. This, like, never happens.