What do you call a group of musical killer whales?
An orca-stra.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
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“I’m $50 away from getting free shipping which is only $5 and what I want is $12 so I need to spend $38 more to save money.”
-my brain
[lying in bed after sex]
Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark
Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁
my professor scared me for a second
Know your sleep disorders!
Insomnia = Can’t sleep at home.
Outsomnia = Can’t sleep in public.
Upsomnia = Can’t sleep in a hot air balloon.
Downsomnia = Can’t sleep sealed up in your friend’s catacombs.
whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes
Maybe Oscar wouldn’t be so grouchy if he lived in a keg instead.
Welcome to your forties.
You brag about how early you went to bed and you’re jealous if someone beats you.
If I’ve learned anything from this year, it’s that my family needs no more than 1 can of tuna for a pandemic. In a panic I bought 20 cans of tuna and 9 months later we have 20 cans of tuna.
*mugger snatching Elsa’s purse
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: CANT HOLD IT BACK ANYMORE!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Me: My dad must be rolling in his grave right now.
Friend: Why, do you think he’d be disappointed in you?
Me: No. I had him buried in a cement mixer. It was way cheaper than a casket.
If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.
Carl: Perfect weather tonight.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Butterflies taste with their feet.
Me: Fair enough.
Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.
You come into my house on this, the day of my Raisin Bran’s expiration?
if you have flat coke lying around in the kitchen, do not trash it, you can make a coke casserole. very simple recipe. here it is.
1. add tbsp. wow you’re still reading this.
2. maybe it’s time to logout, champ.
Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.
Meal prep ✔️
Giving the guy at the park with a machete a wide berth.
If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.
ME: I wish I could just go back to the good old day
FRIEND: don’t you mean good old days?
ME: no, I just had the one
SCIENTIST: You are my finest creation, and I love you like a son even though you’ve malfunctioned and now only say-
ROBOT: Fight me, dipshit
I told my son we were going to have a dance party and he ran to the kitchen to get cups and straws and said we couldn’t have a party without drinks and that we needed to hydrate so am I finished parenting now?
Me (doing an unboxing video for a repressed memory): wow guys this is a GREAT haul
My therapist: no
You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor
Having a kitten around is great, because I was definitely missing being randomly assaulted by five pounds of panicky barbed wire as silent as a shadow in my life.
Oh no
officer: witnesses say the baby was tossed out of the restaurant like a football
detective: for crying out loud!
officer: most likely yes
Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.
Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?
I’ve requested to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti so that a future archeologist will have one awesome day at work.
My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, “Who murdered this guy with a pipe?”