“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”
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Girl: I like good boys
Me [trying to impress her]: *shapeshifts into a pack of smiley golden retrievers*
good let them take over I have had enough
If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text
*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*
Imagine my surprise when I found out “restraining order” did not mean she wanted me to tie her up.
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?!
Cop: Settle down sir
Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions]
Cop: …
I’m not saying that I haven’t slept for a while, but could you kindly ask your eyebrows to stop rearranging themselves on your face?
wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”
Wife: I’m thinking of taking the kids away for the weekend
Me: All of them?
Wife: Yes, both kids
Me: I meant all of the weekends
Wife:…..
Me, wide awake after staying up all night:
*Sings loudly*
*Dancing around*
*Way too chipper*
*Annoying my friends and family*My neighbor: Good Morning!
Me: How dare you speak to me so early in the morning? Have you no respect?
ME: [throws rock into ocean] Take THAT, ecosystem!
ECOSYSTEM: [undergoes incremental biological changes over millions of years]
ME: Oh shiii
Me: *throwing popcorn to our toddler like a pigeon*
Wife: Stop that! Do you want more to show up?!
I had a very intense dream I was having an affair w/a famous Youtuber. I felt so guilty I woke up my husband and told him about said imaginary affair.
Husband took off his CPAP and said, “That guy? He’s not even hot.” Then put the CPAP back on and went back to sleep.
Marriage.
If you keep your AC any higher than 75, please don’t invite me to your terrarium you lizard.
My neighbours were loud and rowdy last night til 3:30, waking up our kids.
So now my husband is outside starting up the leaf blower and table saw at 9am, in case you wondered what middle class suburban feuds in Canada looked like.
I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself
Scientists say Spider-Man would not be able to climb vertical surfaces due to his size. It’s almost like someone made the whole thing up.
That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers
If you’re wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it’s because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.
Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady
*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*
Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!
*Wakes up*
“Wow I feel pretty good”
*Moves body*
“Maybe I spoke too soon”
Yup!
When did folks start naming kids old fashioned trades like, “Hunter” and “Porter” and “Archer” and “Blacksmith” and “Prostitute?”
I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur
I work as a receptionist in a vets. When somebody’s pet is being put to sleep we light a candle to let everyone know to be quiet and respectful. There was no dying pet today. I just had a hangover.
[first day as news anchor]
Me [tryin not to laugh readin report about a man gettin kicked by a horse]: hes said to be in a stable condition
I should’ve gotten my affairs in order before I decided to bite into this hot pepper.