@DontTouchMyWine: As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.
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@hippieswordfish: it's easy as pie! 'what does that even mean?' *pie stumbles in drunk* pie: i just had sex with the homeless guy under the bridge 'oh'
@tsm560: Got an extension cord, and moved the microwave right into bed with me. This 2015 is looking like a good one already.
@bornmiserable: Me: This is a nice, quiet neighborhood. Real estate agent: This is a cemetery. Me: I'll take it.
@sfreeze6: Eye of the tiger. Nose of the lion. Mouth of the lynx. Ear of the bobcat. Throat of the cougar. Forehead of the ocelot.