As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.
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are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something
Always keep a dog eared book on your nightstand so that people think you know how to read.
A guy said he fantasizes about me in a bathtub filled with Big Mac sauce and I said YOU’RE DISGUSTING AND DISTURBED and see you at 8, Brian.
Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
My husband likes to watch The Bachelorette and I like to stare at him when he does
All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.
The average human walks 900 miles per year and drinks 22 gallons of coffee.
This means that the average human gets 41 miles per gallon.
I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful
“what that mouth do?” complain
Programming is chaotic magic. There are no rules. You ask a game dev “Can the player summon a giant demon that bursts from the ground in an explosion of lava?” and they’ll say “sure, that’s easy” and then you’ll ask “can the player wear a scarf?” and they’ll go “oof”
It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.
The very existence of a flying mammal is intrinsically insulting to a flightless bird. Hence the huge animosity involved in The Penguin vs Batman.
My whole life just flashed before my eyes and there was way too much cauliflower.
ok here’s the deal. Yes it was dumb of NASA to ask Sally Ride if she needed 100 tampons for a 7-day mission, but I would have said “Actually I need 250” because that’s free tampons from the government, babbbbyyy.
My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.
[1st day as cop]
captain: “why did you call for back up”
me: “there was a fly in my car”
swat team leader: “what exactly do you think we do”
Found a $20 in the laundry I’ve been looking for all week. Just gonna go back to bed now and quit while I’m ahead.
I don’t know a single person who is age 40 who was born in 2000.
So Canada gets an entire day? What about Narnia or Middle-Earth or Westeros or other made up places #CanadaDay
I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice
I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.
That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.
I got tested this morning for Covid-19. Ouch. Those nasal swabs go deep. Jeez, buy a gal dinner first.
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
I’ve discovered a magical land through the back of the wardrobe, it’s inhabitants are similar to my neighbours, albeit a lot more hostile.
Things will get butter, keep churning
I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there
Flossed the day before a dentist appointment like I was cramming for a history test.
My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.
If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.
Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.
Then I thought of you.