@DontTouchMyWine: As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.
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@MeetYourDaddy: Forget waterboarding. You want confessions? Lock the guy in a room with a laptop, a Twitter account and a bottle of whiskey.
@jonnysun: HILLARY: donald-- TRUMP: --wrong HILLARY: …trump-- TRUMP: --wrong HILLARY: [smiling serenely] …is good TRUMP: --wrong. nno wait. nno. no, no
@SuperJuanderer: What idiot called them swordfish instead of... oh, no, wait, actually that's pretty good.
@PFPTMillsy: How to cook the perfect amount of pasta: 1. Pour out how much you think you need 2. Wrong