@DontTouchMyWine: As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.
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@cornlog: So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore's 150th birthday.
@truegritrumble: DATE: Do you like sports? ME: *nervously* Sure. DATE: What's your favorite sport? ME: *panicking* Panicking.
@cray_at_home_ma: Me, to all my kids before the age of 2. "No screens allowed." On their 2nd birthday, handing over iPad. "This is your mother now."
@QwertyJones3: Maybe I'm old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.