@DontTouchMyWine: As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.
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@pleatedjeans: [doc pulls baby out of mom and immediately slides it under his shirt] oh no NOW I'M PREGNANT haha no [pulls it out] just kidding here you go
@QwertyJones3: Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you're making me pitch a tent.
@Carbosly: [in a bar] Him: Trouble is my middle name. Me: wow... That's a stupid middle name. You must hate your parents. Him: *breaks down crying
@NickMotown: To back up his "every action has an equal and opposite reaction" theory, Newton should've released one simultaneously saying "no it doesn't"