As the fridge door was about to shut, I grabbed pizza & barely got my arm out before it closed.
*Legally changes name to Indiana Jones*
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tell your crush that you love them before
Pete Davidson will.
The only recipes they have online are where I’m the one who’s supposed to buy all this stuff and then make it. That’s not what I’m looking for
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
Lunch. Meeting. Sure, let’s ruin both at once.
My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”
And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”
Just congratulated my ex on dating someone so young that her Throwback Thursday photos are just pictures of her pregnant mom. I’m a dream.
The only thing worse than sitting down on a cold toilet seat is sitting down on a warm toilet seat.
I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos
STUDENT: what’s it like being drunk?
TEACHER: see those 6 desks? A drunk person would see 12.
STUDENT: there are only 3 desks.
cow: I hate when you boss me around
farmer: what’s that supposed to mean?
cow: you herd me
He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.
On the 5th day, god was hungover & didn’t feel up to much so he created worms, shoelaces & spaghetti, then punched out just after 1pm.
Watch closely as the husband quietly approaches the calm children, riles them up into a frenzy, then slyly escapes to watch football.
You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.
INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé
ME: Thank you, I found it outside
I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.
Me: Just so you know, I’m DTF right now.
Wife: I don’t know what “DTF” means.
Me: Take a guess.
Wife: (pause) Definitely Too Fat?
“Bob’s here”
Bob from work or Bob THE HARBINGER OF DEATH
*an icy wind blows as black clouds consume the sky*
“Bob from work”
*clouds recede*
*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is
I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.
THIS IS THE COPS, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP
“No”
WE WON’T ASK AGAIN
“No”
Ok guys, let’s go. We can’t ask again
GLINDA: Are you a good witch or a bad witch?
DOROTHY: I’m not a witch at all! Witches are old and ugly.
GLINDA: Only bad witches are ugly.
DOROTHY:
GLINDA:
DOROTHY: You literally just asked if I was a bad witch.
“I was in so many vaginas in college my buddies called me Danpon. Anywho, tell me all your hopes and dreams.” – Me on first date/last date
Wife: you need to get rid of these jeans.
Me: but I’ve had them forever.
Wife: exactly!
Me: I love them and by keeping them I’m reducing my carbon footprint. Fast fashion etc.
Wife: there’s a giant crotch hole in them. I can see your balls.
Me: you’re welcome?
Wife: no.
Me: Hey, look, I can’t stay long, I’ve got a cab downstairs.
Her: You took a cab?
Me: I’m gonna give it back!
Yeah breakups are sad but have you ever come home to find out you forgot to turn on your crockpot?
Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.
All I said is that I didn’t know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.
Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons
5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going