As the horse fell to the barn floor,
he quickly pressed his Life Alert …“Help…I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup !”
You Might Also Like
OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.
Me: Hi—
Her: I have a boyfriend
Me: —and would you like fries with that?
Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.
Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.
These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich
Me: I found this video of a great team-building exercise.
Boss: This is a Hunger Games DVD.
Me: [nods]
My high-school wrestling coach called me “the raccoon” cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and gave people lyme disease
The people on house hunting shows are always like “I am a bus driver, and my partner here collects dead bugs. Our limit is 6 million dollars”.
Get real…
Me: I think we should take the next step. I want you to meet my parents
Her: now that we’ve been married for eleven years?
I thought I liked the style of the clothes on Temu, but then when I got them I realized I just liked the perfectly tan skin and soft beach waves of the models, and those were missing from my order
“Daddy, how are babies made?”
“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”
Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.
Me *Happily comes home from the hairdresser with fresh highlights and cut.
Bf: So what did they do to it?
Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.
I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around
*Rubs lamp*
*Nothing happens*
Where’s the genie?
*Takes off lampshade*
What’s wrong with this thing?
One time I made my Scottish born mama red beans and rice when she came to Texas for a visit and after she accused me of trying to kill her.
Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.
I just want the sandwich he’s eating.
In case you’re wondering it takes a 6 year old approximately 20 min to pick out a bunch of bananas at the supermarket
People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.
I’m fairly certain my dogs would run away and hide if I’m ever attacked by a leaf.
I want to be a lighthouse keeper who doesn’t go mad but instead maintains a healthy balance between making sure the light stays lit and my friends and family understand they come first unless I have to change the lightbulb.
I’m the kind of friend that will send you a fake emergency text to get you out of a bad date
But also the kind of friend that will make it say:
“Grandma is in the hospital. She fell off her skateboard again”
Are any of my friends mechanics? Been having a weird car trouble when driving into work; my car just drives past my workplace and drives straight to the beach instead.
Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
Me: lay down
He:
Me: arms above your head
He:
Me: don’t stop once you start
He: when I said role play…
Me: *pushes him down grassy hill*
‘what goes on inside your head?’ nothing i wanna be a part of
My reality check bounced, guess I’ll have to stay insane for the time being
This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️
Experts say that human interaction is important for brain health but I’m willing to risk it.