Me: There is a small tree on fire.
911: Could you describe it?
Me:Picture shrubbery…now picture it engulfed in flames.
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“I think we should start touching other people.”
-Blind couple breaking up.
Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.
My little girl will never have daddy issues.
But her future boyfriends will.
“Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there,” we chant. Another agent appears inside the pentagram and screams. The dark lord feasts tonight.
[first day being homeless]
What thread count are these newspapers?
Captcha: pick all the squares with worms
Me: *sigh* why is it always click bait
me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?
him: no, cash only
shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream
me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*
If he stars all your photos that means he’s leaving his wife for you, right?
Me: We’re only here for a short while, so we should love one another and hold each other as much as possible.
Guy in back of elevator: Can you just press 19?
People use the term lab rat pejoratively even though there is probably no finer life than one dedicated to solving puzzles and eating cheeses.
ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]
WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?
wife: Can we get a kids menu?
waitress *brings one*
wife
me
wife
me [already doing the maze]
wife: Can we get 2 kids menus?
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: You can find me in da club shawty
Wife: You’re going to Taco Bell to get nachos, aren’t you?
Me: Yes
My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?
Next time you decide to complain about your problems, just remember, some guy out there has Snooki as his mom …
Remembering the time my science teacher couldn’t detect my heartbeat and got angry at me as though I was deliberately withholding my pulse to bolster my goth credentials.
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
Little Red Riding Hood found in a critical condition. Paramedics have stabilised her condition, but shes not out of the woods yet.
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.
*slips the attendant $20* “make sure you pick me out a good one”
Sir this is a daycare…
“uh huh *winks* a daycare”
My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills
My 5yo won a toy from the claw machine, so now I’m going to make him buy me a lottery ticket
please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.
Me: *dies*
My kids: *taking out Ouija board*
H-I
M-O-M
W-H-A-T
A-R-E
Y-O-U
M-A-K-I-N-G
F-O-R
D-I-N-N-E-R?
There’s hangry, and then there’s fasting for blood test hangry.
Stop telling everyone I’m posting from earth. People don’t need to know where I live.
*tries CBD oil for the first time*
“OMG OMG I FEEL IT, I THINK I’M HIGH! I’M TOTALLY HIGH”
“Ma’am, there are little to no narcotics in that”
“So you’re saying there’s a chance”
When people ask me about my hobbies, I tell them I’m into birdwatching, photography and meeting new people.
It sounds better than stalking.