As the officer approached my car I took a big pull of helium from the balloon and started crying
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“Having oatmeal for breakfast so I can get paid to poop at work.”
– Capitalism baby
Michael Cera, too timid to send his food back even though he’s allergic to almonds, eats a meal and politely goes into anaphylactic shock.
It is what it is. Unless it’s cauliflower. Then it is what it isn’t.
*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*
Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.
I’m a Leo so I just eat the other astrological signs.
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my car
Me: *Eating eggs*
Fertility Doctor: That’s disgusting
Interviewer: According to your resume, you’re one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known
Me: Yes, I wrote that
I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave
Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.
I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.
“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.
Not fat, but not super thin either. I’m more like…what’s the word? Oh, I know. Terrifying.
fun prank: go observe the newborns at the hospital & if someone asks which is yours say “I haven’t decided yet” while sobbing uncontrollably
🙂🙃🥹
*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)
Me: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Informant: why?
Me: for spilling the beans
Informant: I didn’t-
Me: shut your fern gully
Informant: what
Me: don’t give me no sammy jammy
Informant: ok now you’re making these up
Me: *leans forward* looks like we got us a bulbasaur
Some peanut butter M&M’s just rolled under the fridge, and now I understand every sad love song ever written.
ah yes writing, that thing i do where i open a word document and then get up and start cleaning my entire house
I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?
Friend: What have you been watching lately?
Me: Zoom
cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box
Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”
Welp. Looks like I’m the only parent drinking a beer for this “Meet The New Wrestling Coach” zoom meeting.
Sometimes when I get a compliment I stop, moonwalk out of the room and yell “Thank You “just to leave them hanging.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.
Don’t ring my doorbell unless you’re accompanied by a camera crew and holding balloons & a big check.
I constantly lose my phone so it’s really up to you if you want to play ‘shes ignoring me or her phone is in the fridge’
You gotta love a man with a dog’s name and a dog with a man’s name.
“Hi, I’m Cody and this is my dog Steve.”