As the pair of scissors steps up to the starting line, the other runners quickly realize that this race just got a whole lot more dangerous.
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I’m gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.
What Kermit (the frog) is called in different countries:
10. Kermit (Denmark)
9. Kermit (France)
8. Kermit (Japan)
7. Kermit (Slovakia)
6. Kermit (Italy)
5. Kermit (Canada)
4. Kermit (Iceland)
3. Kermit (the Netherlands)
2. Kermit (Poland)
1. Gustavo (Spain)
i, nurse brian, take thee, my mom’s toilet, in holy matrimony
sleeper makes drafting your fantasy team easy👇
I always text a girl 5 minutes after our first date ended and say ~ “I haven’t given up on us.”
Hear me out: a Menstrual pad shaped like dinosaurs called The Jurassic Period
If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.
Dr: do you know why you gained weight?
*Flashbacks to eating fries in the car sobbing and blasting Adele*
Me: no, better run some tests
*flicks cigarette after a long drag*
Here’s the thi—
*coughs for like ten minutes straight bc I’ve never smoked before*
[Bar]
HER: I want to have sex so badlyME: [trying to impress her] I am so bad at sex
Then it should stop looking so damn comfortable
What do you call the sexual orientation where you’re attracted to both and men and women but they’re not attracted to you?
Bi-yourself.
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re extremely critical
me: so they’re awake, that’s good
Welcome to your 40s, your eyebrows are now a federally protected wildlife habitat.
So I had self diagnosed back problems and went to check out orthopedic mattresses. I would like to testify that the price tag healed me.
My kid has been home since March 2020 and I don’t know what this says about me as a parent but tbh I’m actually really going to miss him when he starts school again next week…now who is going to do laundry, feed the dog, and switch out the dishwasher?
I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?
[first day as a getaway driver]
ME: how did I do
BANK ROBBER: you didn’t need to keep honking I knew you were out there
As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.
I’m on the “Whole Thing” diet. Didn’t eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.
Chuck E. Cheese is a child casino, good night
Roses are red
violets are blue
celery is green
bees are black and yellow
please help me I can’t stop
pumpkins are orange
satan is vermillion
I asked a girl to “go with me” in middle school, she said yes and then we never talked to each other again. I’m thinking about reaching out to dump her.
If I could be Barbie, I wouldn’t care about having Ken, the dream house,or the Corvette. I’d just like being tall so I could reach everything.
me: [excitedly opening litter box] those are not kittens
White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere
This year is like when you accidentally touch wet cat food.
Me: Oh my god, that cat is adorable! She’s the cutest kitty I’ve ever seen!
Cat: I just want to be friends.