@KalvinMacleod: As the pair of scissors steps up to the starting line, the other runners quickly realize that this race just got a whole lot more dangerous.
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@TheBoydP: Wife: Where'd you buy my gift? Me: Bed Bath & Beyond Wife: You used a coupon right? Me: Coupon? *wife faints*
@carlyken: *walks into work 20 minutes late* *boss glares at me* "Sorry. Traffic." *boss gestures to my Starbucks cup* "Oh this? I found it."
@RobDenBleyker: Finally watching Michael Bay's TMNT. Best part so far is a dude answering a Skype call and yelling "How did you get this number?!?"
@CornOnTheGoblin: [sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?