As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
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we will divorce one (1) billionaire every week until our demands are met
Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*
Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.
Me: Do you like children?
Him: Yes, I love them.
Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.
choose your fighter
I tried the Japanese method of decluttering my home where you throw away everything that doesn’t bring you joy.
So far, I’ve thrown out all the vegetables, the electric bill, the scale, my bras and the boyfriend.
Jesus, I didn’t mean my cheese wheel when I said you take the wheel.
wife: “no one will remember dont worry”
me: “ok”
[2 mins into my high school reunion]
guy: “yo are you the dude that brought a dog to prom?”
I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.
Who called it the U.S. Dairy Council and not the Butter Business Bureau?
Objection your honor! He’s badgering the witness lmao
*Courtroom erupts in laughter*
Badger: Ok seriously I’m a lawyer and deserve respect
They went back to his place after what could only be described as the perfect first date.
“So, what are you really looking for?” he asked her.
“Honestly,” she laughed. “A guy that can load a dishwasher correctly.”
“Go ahead, open it.” he replied, a grin forming on his face.
My house is almost 80 years old, so are some of the spiders, judging by the size of them.
My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.
The people who thought I could never pull off wearing a beret owe me an apology.
[Wife walks in wearing nothing but whipped cream]
Oh my god, Linda, it’s like you’ve never even heard of ants.
At Walmart during the holidays like..
Shogun is a timeless and powerful reminder that no matter what country we come from, what language we speak, or what we believe in, we must unite against our common foe: the Portuguese
Sunday
Him: What’s this? *slowly unwrapping my gift* A blanket?
Me: It’s a sweater that fits two people so we can always be toge-
Him: *running away*
Me: HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
The British are coming! The British are coming! The British have to get up early! The British swear they’ll call you in the morning!
My mom was in town and stopped by with a ‘mom care package’ several days ago.
It included clean wipes because “they’re handy when you know a shower isn’t going to happen.”
I now smell like a toddler.
Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her
I hate when I’m trying to do shit and I’m married.
My house has been so messy lately, I’m making myself watch Hoarders to motivate me to clean it so I don’t end up starring in an episode.
If dolphins are so smart how come I managed to trick one into investing all its savings in my phoney pyramid scheme?
They found Richard III’s skeleton in a parking lot. Time stamp on the ticket stub indicates he owes $8,432,773.
People use the term lab rat pejoratively even though there is probably no finer life than one dedicated to solving puzzles and eating cheeses.
I couldn’t take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.
My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass
MATH Q: 5 friends wanna split a $50 dinner. But Josh wants a separate check bc his thing was $2 less. Really, Josh? This is y nobody likes u