Next time your work asks why you’re calling out sick, tell them that you have the clap.
They won’t ask again.
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Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
I met my amazing husband in my 30s on OkCupid and you can too! I don’t think he ever deleted his profile
[at roller rink]
My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.
Me: I got really cranky with Alexa this morning because she wouldn’t respond to any of my queries.
Wife: What? Why?
Me: I was calling her Siri.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I’m naming our next kid.
The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.
When someone says we can do something “weather permitting” I remind them that weather’s not the boss of me. Snow or no snow, I’m not going.
I don’t think a lot of people remember the psychological grip Nutella had on the American psyche in the early 2010s… It became its own governing body at one point
At Costco I just bought my cemetery plot, my casket, and the 80 lb bag of beef jerky that will eventually kill me. One stop shopping.
wtf guy on bumble was like “I don’t like bumble can we talk on snap?” I was like “I don’t have snap u can message me on insta” and he was like “I don’t have insta what about kik” I was like “I don’t have kik what abt comments section of youtube video” and he unmatched me
shout out to fantasy authors who give all their characters weird names except for, like, two who just have normal-ass names
it owns extremely to see The Eternal Zablaxas and Hellcleaver the Wicked turn to the protagonist and say “what do YOU think we should do, Dave?”
Sometimes parenthood is having to say “please don’t throw your beef stick at me” with a straight face.
When I was in first grade, my teacher asked me what my mom did for a living. I said “She sells drugs.” I meant she worked in pharmaceutical sales.
Me: Take my pic *hands him camera & giggles*
Him: What’s funny?
Me: Nothing.
Him: *presses button, explodes, dies*
Me: Ha! Photo bombed!
Marry someone the same size as you to avoid decades of annoyance adjusting the seats and mirrors in the car
Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax
I had to use first and middle names on my daughters today for overly rough play in the pool.
Ages 22 and 25. With 401ks. This never stops.
Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.
Whenever I utter the word ‘sober’ I wash my mouth out with alcohol.
“WHAT ARE WE TO TELL THE CHILDREN ABOUT GAYS MARRYING?”
Dunno. I’ll ask my 5-year-old, who just married her stuffed bear to a stuffed pony.
“I’ll never forget you!” I yelled to what’s his name.
Pretending I’m eating a salad by putting some lettuce in a bowl of candied walnuts.
When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”
I yelled back 5309.
No one laughed.
I am old.
You are what you delete.
It’s hard to believe in God when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.
“Daddy, did you know Pluto was recently reclassified as a dwarf planet, or plutoid?”
“Sweetie, I’m pretty sure he’s a dog.”
COP: you can’t hide from the long arm of the law
ME [under the couch]: please stop tickling me
#Caturday
Mrs Lemon: hi honey. Good day at work?
Mr Lemon: awful. Care for some homemade lemonade?
Mrs Lemon: where… where are the kids?