As we start gaining speed in the bobsled, I realize it was a mistake to bullshit my way into this.
You Might Also Like
Principal: Your son is a gamer
[Parents are visibly shaken]
Principal: Oops, wrong kid. Actually yours is on drugs.
Parents: OH THANK GOD
Age is just a number, like 100 hours of Community Service.
Paul McCartney wrote ‘Yesterday’
But he also wrote ‘Obla-de-obla-da’ and ‘Ebony and Ivory’
So, don’t worry if some of your tweets are shit
Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me
I wonder how smart I’d be if my brain were as good at remembering anything as it is at remembering every humiliating thing I’ve ever done
I don’t think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it’s like we all just eat snacks and take naps
You ever think about how our ancestors were hunters and gatherers and now you can go to a supermarket and buy a robot that cleans your floor
You want me to turn around. The thing that led to a total eclipse of the heart
Me: the vacuum broke
Husband: that sucks
Me: no it doesn’t
Guys disappear for days then say “wyd” ….no mf what were YOU doing!!
Anyone else having trouble with their Satnav today?
I typed in ‘Cowes’ and it’s brought me here. 🤷♂️
Me & my mate are Scots. We were visiting England & got arrested for being drunk and disorderly. The English cops really believed our names (in Scottish accent) were Ben Doon and Phil McAvity. We were only rumbled when the Scottish desk sergeant at the station burst out laughing.
Exercise gives you energy but you need energy to exercise. Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me
My entire life can be summed up by those anxious and awkward breaths; the ones where you wonder if the hiccups are really gone or not.
I have a “wayward” son & telling him to “carry on” doesn’t sound like good advice, but whatever you say, kansas
ME: I dreamed about you last night
PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: please just sign your receipt so I can leave, sir
Legend states that when you’re struggling with the kids and at your absolute breaking point, a stranger will immediately appear to say, ‘you sure look like you have your hands full’ before laughing and walking away
Dentist offices are the last frontier of businesses that are allowed to be one weird old guy boss and a hundred hot girl employees
rich people: be like me, invest in stocks
also rich people: no not like that
me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn’t be hell then would it
Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.
“I’m going to enter you now,” I announce to an elevator to the bewilderment of everyone who is already inside. A lady clutches her purse.
It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
Nothing makes me more anxious than when I answer the same letter, three questions in a row on a multiple choice test.
Just googled “insanity” over and over but was expecting different results.
Just passed a guy on the street and said “what’s up?” and he replied “how’s it going?” and then we moved on, feeling cordial but in retrospect leaving both questions unanswered
That’s great about your engagement, promotion and new car.
I grabbed the EXACT amount of hangers I needed to put away laundry.
Samsies!
You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.
ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay
TAXI DRIVER: Again, no