As you get older dating becomes a lot like Musical Chairs. The music stops, everyone sits down and you’re left with the last idiot standing.
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that’s the thing with this thing, it’s very thingy
dear parents,
just because your child is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe they’ve stolen the declaration of independence
wishing you and yours all the best
My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.
Me: *plays video games to avoid my problems*
Me in game: *puts off main quest to avoid my characters problems*
Maybe Bowser is mad at Mario because he’s terrible at plumbing, flooded with castle with lava, and left exposed unfinished pipes everywhere…
“Two messages, Sir. First, your tea has run out”
“Correct English is ‘you’ve run out of tea’. What else?”
“You’ve walked out of wife”
Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.
10yo: When in doubt, albatrout.
Me: What the hell is albatrout? That’s not real.
10yo: Now you’re in doubt!
Me: But…
10yo: ALBATROUT
When this is over, I’m just going to start hugging nurses and doctors until they get a restraining order.
[creation of kangaroo]
God: give that bouncy dog a fanny pack
Angel: *hands bouncy dog a fanny pack*
God: no no like build it into its stomach hahaha
Angel: again with this shit
I have this theory that if I use cash money to pay for food I’m not actually spending my money because it doesn’t decrease the number in my bank account.. I realize that this is inaccurate, but I will continue to think this way so that I feel better about my poor life decisions
Next time someone asks you how you slept,
close your eyes & say “like this” & just stay that way for like 8 hours!!!
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
got my mind on my money and my money
is nowhere to be found.
#WhenIWas12IThought very little 🙌
My wife is trying to turn on Alexa but keeps calling her Siri haha now I don’t feel as bad about last night.
Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.
Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello
Surround yourself with people who don’t make you sage your home after they’ve left.
“My favorite sex fantasy starts with you bringing me wine…”
And then?
“Cheese.”
Mmmm and then?
“You close the door from outside.”
Dr: You’re diabetic. Too much sugar and I’ll have to amputate your legs.
Me: *shoving Cinnabon in mouth* Can I get those cool blade ones?
Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G.
Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.
Him: Can you believe what’s going on in Egypt?
Me: Yeah…it’s crazy…I gotta go. Bye.
Me: *googles what’s happening in Egypt?*
When you put “This page intentionally left blank” in a report, the page is no longer blank. Thank you for coming to my Pedantic Ted Talk.
No, I don’t want to hang out at your house. Your pot to snacks ratio is all off.
Remember that time that thing happened and you laughed when you weren’t supposed to laugh? People are still mad about that.
I really hope my house is haunted and not in need of structural repairs
2021
Employees: We’ve decided to go in a different direction. We’re gonna have to let you go.
Managers: wut?