As your goth coworker, I will change all “Out of order” signs to “Haunted” signs. Sorry, you can’t use that printer- it’s haunted.
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MOVIES: Ok, time for bed kiddo.
*child kisses parents and goes to bedMY HOUSE: Time for bed.
*mixed martial acrobatics is now a sport
Having the time of my life slicing vegetables super fast like I’m a chef at a Michelin star restaurant while the uneven mess I’m creating looks back at me in its judgmental misery *chef’s kiss*
just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair
Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.
Dang it, I looked at my phone for a second while driving and now I don’t know what road I’m on. Maybe I’ll ask this talky fellow on my hood.
Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?
There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.
Her: I like the man-horsey in this film. He’s hot.
Me: Centaur.
H: What?
M: Centaur
H: Is that his name?
M: I want a divorce.
One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest is my favorite book about Twitter
My kid’s kindergarten e-learning class is being very rude during show and tell. We worked very hard to put together this serial killer stats presentation.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is walk
“Walk. W-A-L-K. Walk”
JUDGE: [pulls off mask to reveal he is a dog] I KNEW IT! *glares at owner*
Me before watching a serial killer documentary: I bet this killer was so successful because of their intelligence and cunning, and not just because of the gross incompetence of local law enforcement.
Me after watching a serial killer documentary: Well, shit.
when you’re a gargoyle but also afraid of heights
You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.
“I’d kill you if I thought I could get away with it”…….things that were said to me during my divorce. Hey guy’s, she’s available!
So, can we agree on 4 or
Infomercial Host: Who wants to fix their chronic acne problem?
Audience: *clapping*
Host: Sir, are you leaving?
Wile E. Coyote: *shuffling out on broken rocket skates* I misread the flyer
2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.
just responded to every text i haven’t replied to in weeks by sharing my wordle which i got in 2 guesses
Me: I want you inside of me.
Him: Wow.
Me: That would be a scary thing to hear if I was a bear, huh?
Him: Why are you like this?
I can’t stop laughing at this
Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”
I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.
“A broken clock is right twice a day” isn’t really true anymore because my office microwave says it’s 88:88 o’clock
i don’t give a shit what you losers think i’m clapping when the plane lands
I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.
Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.
Me, 7yrs ago: NO EATING in my new car. I mean spotless
Me, Now: u hungry car? *mashes donut into CD player*
This married couple was eating dinner, he meant to ask his wife for salt, but What came out was, I hate you stupid Bitch you ruined my life
ME: Brad’s here
HUSBAND: Brad who needs space or Brad who’s paranoid about being murdered?
BRAD: OMG u 2 are smothering me
ME: I’ve no idea