Asian gangs, also known as study groups..
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The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.
Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*
Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer
I have a mice problem so I lay out tiny red and blue bandanas in hopes they start a west coast/east coast thing and take care of each other.
You ask me for the time and notice my watch is actually a live shrimp hugging my wrist, he whispers “12:30” but he’s guesstimating as shrimps usually do
*playing Mortal Kombat*
Her: Can I try?
Me: Sure.
Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie?
Me: Hadouken?
Her: Yea.
Me: Leave.
Him: tell me about your longest relationship
Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?
The average person eats 8 spiders a year
*eating 2nd bowl of spiders*
“WHO’S AVERAGE NOW DAD?”
7: I’m thinking of a number between 1 and a thousand million
Me: Thats great!
*I walk away
Why is my long hair now up in a messy bun today? Well I leaned down to pick up something from the floor & my cat leapt out of nowhere, claws out, grabbed my hair like a vine rope over a lake & swung from it for fun.
This is why I avoid Dollar Tree crayons…
Spring is here!
I got so excited I wet my plants!
sneaking out of costco with extra samples like
I’m so inactive, my Fitbit sent my family a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: heavy-handed product placement
professor kfc: that’s finger lickin’ good
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
*addresses the elephant in the room*
*puts a stamp on the elephant in the room*
“My pen pal is gonna love this.”
Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.
Me: look who came by for a little sucky sucky
Vampire: don’t say it like that
{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?
Coyotes don’t run away – they pause and stare, like they’re trying to place you. One did this to me on the way home and I rolled down the window and said “I used to bartend at a fondue place?” He snapped his paw and said “right that’s it” and trotted off in the rain.
We’ve got some ground rules in this house bro. if there’s a sock on the doorknob it means im trippin balls and think the door is a big foot
*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*
She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1
I am a smart, funny, capable woman… who just tried to zoom in on a photo in a magazine by double tapping the page.
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
Probably a good sized dog or motivated cat could do the trick.
A big bunch of gerbils, maybe.
Don’t worry, millennials, every time you spell it “tho,” I say “ugh,” so it ends up being spelled right.
ME: [building a robot] We’re going to be best friends!
ROBOT: [flies out of window]
ME: Why did I add a propeller
Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.
“THEY’RE PROBABLY MORE AFRAID OF YOU THAN YOU ARE OF THEM,” I shout, as a swarm of murder hornets attacks my friend Jeff