A 41 year old gymnast is competing in her 7th Olympics. I just texted my son and offered him $5 to come downstairs and hand me the remote.
You Might Also Like
Hot Hot Hot
after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger
one of my favorite Halloween memories was trick or treating and a very stoned dude in his 20’s opened the door and was like “oh man I forgot it was today. Let me see if I have anything for you” and then I hear him going through his pantry and he goes “do you like soup”
Went to HR to complain about my coworkers but my mom said she can’t fire my kids
*calls sister while babysitting for her*
“the younger one says you guys don’t own a snake. this true?” [kid in background] ITS LOOKING AT ME
People are posting throwback photos to their first days of school, and I’m like “I was a third child. My parents only have about 10 photos from my entire childhood, maybe 11 tops.”
It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.
😂😂
HR: I’m afraid that’s not proper corporate dress code.
ME: *taking off wetsuit* casual Friday is bullshit then.
A Harvard professor says I should only eat six French fries per serving. When I have PMS I can easily eat six Harvard professors in one sitting though.
*Quietly opens a bag of chips during a job interview
B
More like “science UN-fair”
*I walk away in slo-mo. The building explodes with baking soda lava*
*I roll a smoke with my 2nd place ribbon
6:32 a.m.
Me: Good morn—
6: I’m dizzy, nauseous, and dehydrated
hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?
MOM: I hope you brought an appetite!
ME: I have spent a year studying a snake’s ability to unhinge its jaw to swallow food larger than its own head
GRANDMA: so, still single
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.
I believe I can flyyy.
I believe I can touch the skyyy.
I believe I was mistaaaken.
I believe I’m faaalling.
I believe I’m gonna diiiie.
WIFE: no no no I loved your vows I just thought you could’ve used the word ‘bloodthirsty’ a little less
Me: everything happens for a reason
Her: can I get your number?
Me: I don’t believe in “accidents”
Her: I’ll also need your insurance
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
The anxious urge to say “no worries either way” when you are actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way
Tuesday
Went on a date once.
He ordered for me, “She’ll have a small side salad.”
I said, “Yes, and a side of sirloin and a loaded baked potato.”
Florida be like…
Signature Move
The best writer’s defense is a good writer’s offense
What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?
Nothing. He was STUFFED!
Welcome to your fifties; you have a favourite hip now.