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I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.
Pro tip: if you absolutely must speak in court, do not put air quotes around “the law”. Judges don’t like it.
Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.
*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*
Wife: You’re so lucky, I’m like a trophy wife!
Me: Wow, I’d hate to see what they gave to the second place guy.
Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.
professor x: what’s your power?
jk rowling: i can rewrite the past of fictional characters
gay professor x : interesting
My phone automatically flagged a bunch of my selfies as “low quality images” and I’m not gonna lie, that stings a bit.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: is there a doctor on board
ME: *standing up to get skittles from the overhead bin but now everyone is staring at me* yes i’m a doctor
Do I help my kids with their math homework? Yes. Do I make fun of them mercilessly when I get an answer right that they get wrong? Also yes, balance.
Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.
[ first day working at a pet store ]
customer: can i see that fish bowl?
me: sure let me get his shoes
Dating me is like a walk in the park – Jurassic Park.
The best part of an argument is the make up sex…unless you’re fighting with your brother.
sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
[bar]
Me: I’m drunk
Carpenter: i’m hammered
Dry Wall Guy: i’m plastered
Garbage Man: i’m trashed
Beekeeper: i’m buzzed
Accountant: i’m totaled
Quarterback: i’m blitzed
Scuba Diver: i’m tanked
English Professor: i’m lit
Plumber: i’m shitfaced
Hulk: i’m smashed
Youth: i’m wasted
ALBUS: Got Dementors to protect Hogwarts this year. They suck souls out! Indiscriminately!
KIDS: …
STAFF: …
ALBUS: I can’t control them.
So we’re agreed: if that balloon flies over any of us, we moon it like it’s 1978
Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.
2/22/22 was created by Big 2 to sell more 2s.
“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application
Cop: raise your hands
Me: ok, but if you looked down you’d see the same thing
C: ma’am?
M: they’re right there
C: how high are you?
M: yes
If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend
Just got kicked off a corn forum for saying you can eat the cob. I’ll just sign up with a different name. They can’t silence the truth.
Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.
any doctors here? am I allowed to get a wax during my epidural? it’s genius and there’s a ton of time to kill anyhow
I don’t have kids, but once I was on a plane next to a man and his young daughter, a first-time flier, and as she looked out the window and squealed with excitement, I found myself thinking about how differently things could have turned out if I’d gotten that window seat.
Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.
I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating”.