Missed my workout yesterday which makes it four years in a row
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Wakes up at 6:30. Quietly makes coffee and takes dog outside. Sits down with phone and vows not to waste entire day on Twitter.
… 5 minutes later
wife: supper’s ready!!
I don’t like to insult women, but I’m not a big fan of my boyfriend’s other girlfriend.
Guy: Welcome to mercenary training. Tell me why you’re here
Man: Money
Woman: Money
Me: *wearing swim floaties* Drove to the wrong YMCA
If you dont sin, Jesus died for nothing!
My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.
Her: Wow… You really cleaned up the place
A cockroach with a little bow-tie waddles by
Me: Anything for you baby girl
The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.
“are you drunk?”
– everyone’s response when i send a nice text
I convinced my spouse we needed more “security” but mostly I wanted a video doorbell on our backdoor so I could watch live streams of our dogs all day.
So, I’m officially off the market. Got a DM from a faceless Avi proposing marriage in broken English. We’re planning a June wedding!
DOCTOR: I think you have a curvature of the upper spine
QUASIMODO: That a diagnosis?
D: We need an X-ray to confirm. Right now it’s a hunch
90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.
The problem w marriage is communication. When I said I hoped he’d go down in a plane I meant more crash & burn, less on the flight attendant
Shoutout to my dog for ensuring we can enjoy the crunchy, colourful autumn leaves inside the house too
7: “By the year 2057 the oceans will be nothing but trash.”
Me: “Wow, I had no idea. Pretty smart, bud.”
Wife: “You know so many important facts, sweetie.”
*silence*
*3 looks at each of us*3: “Did you know there’s also pink lemonade?”
[tracker kneels and examines spoor]
– A herd of idiots has passed this way but an hour ago.
– How can you tell?
– Look. Fresh nincompoop.
Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.
Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did
My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.
The suspense is killing me!
Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does
That’s why I think of running everyday
I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence
I hope my kids are impressed with how resourceful the Easter Bunny is for filling eggs with steeply discounted Valentine’s Day candy.
There’s nothing worse than being in public & you touch something that shouldn’t be sticky & it is.
“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign
When I said ‘You can’t buy my love.’
I meant with your salary.
My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁
I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.
Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.
Part of the fun of buying a new house is exploring what the previous owners left behind. Old pennants, newspapers, grandma, etc.