Asked my 1st grade students the riddle: What has four fingers and a thumb but is not alive? (A glove.) First response: “My Aunt Lydia.”
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I used to believe in International Women’s Day… then I realised it was just my dad sneaking into my room, dressed as an International Woman.
Between my boy tucking his shirt in his shorts & my girl wearing socks w/ sandals I’m confident I won’t ever have to talk to them about sex.
me: how much gas do i have?
car: empty.
me: ok but HOW empty?
I’m doing the 30 day taco cleanse
Pete Davidson always knows what’s different about you when you ask
Yoda: *dies and fades away*
Luke: Thank God. I was so sick of his backward talking.
Ghost Yoda: Heard that, I did.
I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches
*looks at 4 children*
“You leave me no choice.”
*eats last 3 cookies*
“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.
4: Did you just shower?? Your hair looks so pretty!
Me: Awwww, thank y—
4: It looks like a bug
Me:
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
Weird, started flirting in this bar and for some reason 4 guys just killed themselves.
The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.
Sure, I miss grandma. But she’s up there protecting us.
*looks up to the sky where my grandma is in a jet fighting aliens*
There’s a big difference between seminary school and semenary school.
Spice up your boring roofing job by wearing roller skates.
My kids as adults explaining my disappearance: 20 years ago she said if we didn’t hurry up she’d leave without us, & we never saw her again.
Unsolved Mysteries: We don’t know what happened, and now neither do you.
Always a metermaid never a meter
I jump from the skyscraper’s ledge, performing 3 graceful somersault, right into the arms of a hot firefighter. Neither of us survive impact
People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1
Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.
I JUST WANT A JOB WHERE I CAN SIT ABSOLUTELY STILL AND IF ANYONE DISTURBS ME I GET TO SCREAM
“I’m totally against the selfie-stick but every now and then an exception comes along.”
Credit: AndrewBloch
I haven’t had a donut since two thousand and quarantine.
Okay hear me out.
I cooked up bacon in my cast iron, then made sausage patties in the bacon grease, and THEN made gravy out of the bacon AND sausage grease.
I’d marry me
The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.
When someone giving me directions says, “You can’t miss it,” I would love to tell them just how wrong they were if I could find my way back to them.
ME: *coughing* I’m sorry my voice is a little hoarse.
CHESS PLAYER: did.. did you just swallow my knight?