Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.
Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!
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I think more people would subscribe to Twitter Blue if we could edit other people’s tweets
Oh we’ve met.
If a party with all dudes is called a “sausage fest”, I request that we start calling all girl parties “taco time”.
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
Bought a bag of Sweetheart candies & cracked my tooth on one.When I spit it out & looked at it,itsaid “Next time call when you say you will”
My five year old trying to charge me $1 to listen to her play the piano now that she’s “so good” thanks to the lessons I pay for is peak capitalism.
[commandos infiltrating enemy fortress]
COMMANDO 1: uh oh, we’ve got company!
COMMANDO 2: damn *opens wine and begins to set table*
[whispering to beached whale] Do you come here often?
At soccer today my 5 yo realized one teammate was actually his friend from school. It’s been a month. This is everything you need to know about his attention to detail.
PMS is just an excuse women use to eat all the good snacks & occasionally when committing murder.
There was an episode of the Flintstones where a mechanic worked on Fred’s car HEY FRED YOURE GETTING RIPPED OFF THERE IS NO ENGINE IN THERE
I don’t like to brag, but we just threw my 5-year-old a birthday party and nobody cried.
love getting up in the middle of the night to make myself a little chaos snack. sure i’ll put chicken nuggets and cheese sticks in a tortilla. it’s 2 am god can’t see me here
The preschoolers got to choose a free book from the book fair, so my kid came home with one we already have because she knows she likes it, and I can’t fault that logic
If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.
It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I’m not sure if that’s considered sexual harassment or flirting.
[about to be murdered]
Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.
just got an 8 min standing ovation for not asking any questions during a movie.
Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…
…18 if you’re obnoxious.
REALTOR: This community has a great neighborhood watch
WIFE: [sees me suddenly excited] Don’t you dare
ME: WHO DECIDES WHO GETS TO WEAR IT
“God is good all the time!” Yeah. Not you though, Russ. You sucked for 55 frigging minutes.
Does the employee manual say I CAN’T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.
sometimes work CAN be fun, like reading through a long, complicated email and realizing you have zero responsibility for it so you can immediately forward to the person that does while laughing
There are four main food groups:
1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried
me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.
Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.