Asked my wife if I was going to get a “tip” for driving her around today.
She laughed and laughed.
Apparently so hard, she got a headache.
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Hot single dads in your area AREN’T WORKING 60 HOURS A WEEK FOR YOU TO AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD SHUT THE GODDAMN DOOR.
A dog or a baby can only survive about 6 seconds in a closed car with the air conditioner off in July; an annoying fly, 2 weeks.
[after an accident on the ski slope]
ME: did i nail the triple backflip
PARAMEDIC: u choked on a tootsie roll and fell off of the ski lift
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer
ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons
A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.
It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
A man is “shirtless” while a woman is “topless.” One might say this refers to women’s larger variety of clothing options. More intriguingly, it implies we have not decided on men’s orientation in space. Who knows where the top of a man is
ME: I had to fix dad’s computer after the power surge.
HER: Motherboard?
ME: No, she was watching TV.
If I had a time machine I’d bring all the Home Depot skeletons I could find to the Victorian age and surround a village with them while they all slept
Me: *falls down entire staircase*
(20 full seconds of silence)
Dad: …careful.
*leaves work early and pulls in to seedy 4 hours stay motel on the highway. Looks around to make sure no one sees*
Me: This is going to be so great.
*sleeps for 4 hours*
* on a date snuggling *
Me: Did you enjoy dinner?
Her: Yeah, but now I feel fat.
Me: Get your hands off my belly.
My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.
Since summer is almost over here’s a list of all the places I got to visit:
1. Work
I asked my dad what his favorite joke was.
He said, “I can’t pick a favorite. I love you and your sister equally!”
The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.
me: *yelling at a crazy driver who’s speeding and weaving in and out of traffic*
9yo: be nice daddy maybe he has to poop real bad
*reading of my will*
Executor: ‘Ahem. Dearly beloved…and also to my immediate family…’
I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?
“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]
I let my baby girl know she can do anything.
Except taking the bow out of her hair cuz IT’S REALLY CUTE AND SHE NEEDS TO LEAVE IT ALONE.
Whoever said you cannot live off of wine and cheese alone did not try hard enough.
Dog (curled up, napping): I never poop on the carpet and I love cats.
Wife: Is the dog talking in its sleep?
“Shhh let sleeping dogs lie.”
My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.
Wait!! There’s a box??? 😂😝
Study: People with children live longer.
People with children: Shit.
I made the obviously poor decision to only eat half of my burrito and now the other half won’t stop staring at me